


Family Matters

by Elise_Madrid



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-20
Updated: 2011-05-20
Packaged: 2017-10-19 15:09:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/202211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elise_Madrid/pseuds/Elise_Madrid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lt. Spock is sent to the Vega Colony to recuperate from an injury sustained on Rigel 7. While there he helps a lady in distress and is befriended by her family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Family Matters

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published July, 2002 in Beyond Dreams 5.

The day was frosty and the sky overcast as Spock pulled his cloak tighter and hurried as well he could toward the front doors of the medical building. His slow progress across the greenbelt that separated the hospital from his hotel was giving the chill time enough to insinuate itself uncomfortably into his bones. At first glance the hotel had seemed ideal, within easy walking distance of the medical center and close to the spaceport. But the hotel was sadly lacking in the most basic of amenities, and the noise from the spaceport had made sleep difficult.

With a last burst of speed he made it to the doors, luxuriating in the sudden warmth. He limped over to the front desk and placed his orders in front of the young woman sitting there.

"May I help you?" the receptionist asked. She was pretty, Spock noticed. But her best feature was the luxurious growth of long, dark hair that framed her face.

"I was ordered to begin treatment here during the six weeks of my leave." He hesitated. "I do not know the doctor's name."

"That's okay." The woman smiled. "Usually it's who ever's available, anyway. Why don't you have a seat over there?" She pointed to the chairs lining the wall. "I'll call you when it's time."

Spock nodded and walked away, taking the seat closest to the desk. He hoped the wait would not be long. Several reports waited completion in his hotel room. Though Doctor Boyce had insisted on him taking sick-leave, an order that had been soundly seconded by the captain, Spock felt uncomfortable with the idea of "doing nothing."

He sighed, reviewing his limited options. How was he going to fill six week? The Vega Colony was known galaxy-wide for its medical facilities, but that did him little good. Unless he were employed there, the chance of being able to participate in any of their research projects was highly unlikely. He knew no one here, and the work he had brought would last only a matter of days. But Pike had been adamant. He was to rest, let his leg finally heal from the injuries received on Rigel Seven.

"The doctor will see you now, Lieutenant." The woman rose from behind the counter, her pregnancy now obvious, and led Spock to a small cubicle situated at the end of a long hall. She pulled out a light blue piece of material and handed it to him. "Disrobe and put this on, the opening to the front."

"It is only my ankle that is in need of attention. Why must I undress?" Spock nervously fingered what turned out to be a smock, one of the many indignities he was familiar with from the sickbay on the _Enterprise._

"The information sent by your doctor calls for a complete medical evaluation," she noted. "It's not that bad, you know."

Another fallacy perpetuated by the medical establishment. "Very well." He stared at the woman until with a chuckle she left the room, closing the door behind her. Spock pulled the dark gray tunic he wore over his head. It was surely going to be an unpleasant stay.

^^^^^

Two hours later, Spock watched the receptionist as she clumsily balanced her briefcase against the aircar and frantically searched her purse. Standing under the overhang outside the doors of the building, he wondered if perhaps she was experiencing some difficulty. When the first drops of the gathering storm began to fall, he sprinted over as best as his injured ankle would allow.

"May I be of assistance?" He had to raise his voice almost to a shout. The rain was gathering momentum, and the wind added to their discomfort.

"I can't find the controls to the door." Her hair was being blown about, interfering with her search, and the woman finally stopped digging through her purse. With a disgusted frown, she raised her briefcase over her head, trying unsuccessfully to keep her head dry.

Moving her gently out of the way, Spock began experimenting with the controls on the door. He had found that only so many combinations were used to lock these contrivances, and after only a few tries the aircar's lights flickered on and off as the locks disengaged. He opened the door and the woman lowered herself in, her advanced conditions making it difficult.

"Aren't you getting in?" she asked.

Spock had started back to the building, and turned at her inquiry. "There is no need. I will wait out the storm beneath the overhang."

"Don't be ridiculous. This could go on for hours. Please." She gave an entreating look with her appeal. "I'd feel so much better if you would. It's so dreary, and I hate driving alone in weather like this."

Spock hesitated for a moment. It _was_ getting colder. With a shiver he nodded his head, went around to the other side and got in. The welcoming warmth enveloped him as doors and windows were closed tight.

"Lieutenant Spock, right?" The woman awkwardly turned in her seat to face him and extended her hand. "Aurelan Kirk."

With only a second thought he took her hand, but held it only a moment. "Miss Kirk."

"Mrs. My husband, Sam, is a research biologist at the university here. But Aurelan's fine." She started the aircar and with practiced ease slowly brought it up and around to start down the road that led away from the city.

"We live on a few acres just outside of town. It reminded my husband of his home on Earth so much, we just couldn't pass it up. I hope you don't mind the inconvenience too much, Lieutenant. But I meant it when I said I don't like to travel alone during a storm."

"It is not a problem. But I am concerned as to how I will reach my hotel room."

"I'm sure Sam will be more than happy to take you once the storm passes. Until then, you'll have someone to visit with."

"It is just the two of you?"

"Oh, no. We have a four year old son, Michael. And of course, Jim."

"Jim?"

"My brother-in-law. He's staying with us until his posting comes in. He's in Starfleet, too, just like you. In fact, he just graduated from the Academy. Top of his class," Aurelan said with a flash of pride.

"Indeed." Spock didn't know what else to say, so he turned and gazed out the window. When he joined the _Enterprise_ , he had made the decision to finally accept that part of himself inherited from his mother. So far, his success had been sporadic. There was so much to learn, so many ways to react to a given situation. He often wished that he had someone, a teacher, to lead him through the maze of emotional response. His captain had tried, but Spock was reluctant to take such advantage of Pike's good nature.

The rest of the trip was made in silence. Mrs. Kirk's, _Aurelan's_ , he reminded himself, attention was on the road, her knuckles white against the steering wheel. The rain was coming down harder, so they could barely see ahead. Trees heavy with rain began to slowly dominate the landscape as they left more and more of the city proper behind. After thirty seven point six minutes, she turned into a side road as a large white house appeared out of the deluge. Creeping as close as she could, she brought them to a halt several yards from the porch stairs along side a stand of trees. The cessation of the engine only amplified the din of the rain.

"Do you think we should try it?" She asked hesitantly.

Spock surveyed the space between the 'car and the beginning of the walkway. The water was already beginning to puddle, and what had been a sheltered area of dirt was now a muddy expanse. "I think not." He peered out the window, trying to make out any movement from the house.

"I know they're here. Sam wasn't going to go in today." She laughed. "He thought he and Jim might get in some hiking...oh, my god!"

Coming through the rain at a dead run two totally soaked figures raced past the aircar, ignoring it and the passengers inside.

"Is that your husband and brother-in-law?" The two drenched men stood on the porch, throwing off their soaking clothes while laughter hindered their progress. When the smaller of the two began to remove his underwear, Aurelan laid on the horn.

Spock pressed his lips together in an attempt to keep from smiling. Even through the rain, the sheer masculine beauty of the younger man shouted out to him. His body was compact and muscular but gracefully proportioned, the wide shoulders narrowing down to slim hips. Dark gold hair lay plastered against his brow as a slow creep of color suffused his face.

Aurelan laughed and opened the window an inch. "Can one of you go get us an umbrella? And while you're at it, Jim, you might get decent. We've got company."

For Spock, it seemed the day got grayer as the younger Kirk grimaced and entered the house. The man Spock assumed was Sam Kirk walked out into the rain, wearing only a pair of khakis and his dignity.

"Who you've got in there, hon?" He leaned over and his eyes traveled past his wife to the stranger in the passenger seat. A look of surprise crossed his face as he saw the Vulcan sitting there.

"Sam, this is Lieutenant Spock. He was at the center for treatment and came to my rescue when I couldn't get the 'car opened."

"Misplaced your card again, huh?" He smiled to take the bite out of his words. "Nice to meet you, Lieutenant." Sam turned as he heard the screen door slam shut and his younger brother walked out with an umbrella and a large blanket. "Thanks, Jim."

Between the three of them, they managed to get Aurelan into the house, safe and dry, though the same could not be said for the three men. Spock looked down at his mud encrusted boots. They matched his pants, spattered with mud and soaking wet to the knees. While the young woman fussed over her dripping husband, Spock studiously avoided looking at her brother-in-law. But almost against his will his gaze swung over to the young man, only to find himself caught by the largest and most compelling eyes he had ever seen on a human. Shot through with green, the hazel eyes stared back. Spock quickly looked away.

"Where's Michael?" Aurelan had shed her coat and shoes and was attempting to dry off her husband.

"He's at the Forrester's. Steve's mom came and picked him up. They should be dropping him off any time now," Sam responded from under the towel Aurelan was using on his hair.

"Jim, why don't you find something for the lieutenant to wear? His uniform is wet and muddy, and it looks like he's stuck with us for a while." Aurelan continued to rub the towel over her husband's head.

Spock's face went a shade darker as Jim Kirk came over and taking his arm with a smile, began to lead him up the stairs. "Come on. Sam's clothes will fit you better than mine, but you can use my room to change."

Spock felt heat radiating from the contact, the hand wrapped around his wrist drawing him on. But for all his difficulty, he felt bereft when Kirk let go. Kirk had had time only to pull on a pair of old Levi's, and the view as they walked up the stairs was hard to ignore. The exposed skin of the young man's back glowed with health, and the strained material of the tight pants emphasized the rounded curve of a firm ass. When they reached the top of the landing they turned left to traverse a wide hall. Passing the first two doors, they stopped at the one tucked near the back.

"We're almost there." Kirk opened the door to a narrow stairwell. As he followed, Spock could see filtered light illuminating the room above.

"Here it is, home, sweet home." Kirk spread his arms, turning in a slow circle in the middle of the large expanse.

It must have been an attic at one time, but it had been transformed into a small apartment with all the amenities of a separate residence. A large bed dominated the far wall, and a desk, its top cluttered with books, rested to one side. A small utility kitchen was set off to the left, with a table and chairs for two placed under one of the dormer windows that ran along the entire room.

Spock walked over to the middle window, pillows and blankets making a nest in its alcove. Right outside, a tree opened up, its lush green dampened by the rain. "It is beautiful here."

"I thought you'd like it." Kirk quirked his head. "Though for the life of me, how I knew that..." He shook himself and started for the door. "You wait here. I'll go get those clothes. You'll stay for a while, won't you?"

Spock turned and studied the young man for a moment. "Yes, I will stay."

^^^^^

Spock listened intently, often bewildered by the banter that flew across the table as the four humans talked over dinner. Such informal conversation during meals was not done in Vulcan homes, but he was enjoying the spontaneous give-and-take of his new...friends. Yes, his friends, and somehow it felt so very right to sit here with these open, giving beings, his inclusion in their lives a magical reality.

He especially enjoyed watching the young man sitting across the table from him. Jim Kirk's force of will was like no other Spock had ever met.

"Anyway," Jim continued, as he regaled the table with anecdotes of the academy, "it made me even more sure about my choice."

"You wish to command a starship?" Spock was intrigued. Though his own desires led elsewhere, he was fascinated by Kirk's drive.

"You bet. The way I've got it planned, I'll get there in twelve, fifteen years, tops."

"He will, too," Aurelan interjected. "Not too many graduate from the academy by twenty-one. I've never known anyone as tenacious as Jim."

"Lord, yes. You should have seen him as a kid. Little scrawny thing, but he'd take on whoever, or whatever got in his way. Just like Michael, right son?" Sam ruffled the towheaded youngster on his left.

"Ah huh. I'm going to go with Uncle Jim, fly a spaceship. He promised." The small boy looked up at the uncle he idolized.

"That's right. You and me, we're going to see the stars together. Every captain needs a right-hand man he can count on." Jim smiled at his nephew and then looked at Spock. "Aurelan says you're with the Enterprise. That'd be Chris Pike's ship, right?"

"That is correct. I joined the crew eight point three months ago."

"How did you get hurt?" Aurelan asked.

"We were attacked by the natives on Rigel Seven. During the ensuing battle, I was felled by an object that struck my ankle."

"I heard you lost some crew members." Jim's gaze took on an unfocused quality. "That must be really hard for a captain to deal with. Losing people you're responsible for."

"Captain Pike was deeply affected by it." Spock watched the play of emotions across the young man's face with interest. He wondered how Kirk would eventually deal with such a loss, and how it would change him.

"So, where are you staying, Lieutenant?" Sam Kirk, elbows on the table, leaned forward and looked past his young son to Spock.

"At the Cambridge Hotel, across from the medical center. I am expected to undergo several treatments in order to rectify the injury to my ankle. The hotel is conveniently located for my purposes."

"Oh, but it's so..." Aurelan gave Spock a distressed look.

"Shabby," Jim cut in.

"It is adequate for my needs."

"Oh, no. You can't stay there. Jim, make him see that he can't stay there," the young woman pleaded.

"She's right. It gets pretty noisy there, so close to the spaceport," Kirk commented, and Spock could almost see the thoughts as they formed. "Stay here. There's plenty of room, and you can tell me all about life aboard the _Enterprise_."

"I could not impose in such a way." Spock fought the suggestion. There was something going on, in himself, something he didn't understand. All he knew was that it somehow had to do with the force of nature known as Jim Kirk.

"I insist. And you can't upset a pregnant woman, it's not good for her." Aurelan smiled and reaching out, laid her hand on Spock's sleeve. "Please?"

He hesitated, but ultimately was unable to resist Aurelan's sincere appeal, or the sweet expectancy he felt every time he looked at Kirk. "Very well. But only as long as I am allowed to repay you in some way."

Sam laughed. "You shouldn't have said that. Aurelan has _lots_ of projects she's just dying to have help with, don't you sweetie?" He took the woman's hand and Spock instinctively turned away. It reminded him too much of the ritual between his own mother and father. The bittersweet memory brought home once again all he had lost. It occurred to him that his estrangement from his own family could very well have influenced his decision to accept the Kirks' hospitality.

"Don't scare him off, Sam, or I'll have you doing them." She turned to Kirk. "He can bunk with you, can't he? I'll have Sam bring out the rollaway. There's plenty of room."

"Sure. No problem." The young man pushed away from the table, running his hands over his stomach. "That was great, Aurelan. I'm going to have to run twice as far to burn it off." He stood up. "Come on, Spock. The rain's slowed down enough. We can go get your things from the hotel room."

^^^^^

The rain had stopped, but the temperature was beginning to fall rapidly by the time they got to the hotel room. Kirk stood at the window, watching the small ships land and take off while Spock gathered his things.

"I hope I get a posting to one of the bigger ships." Kirk turned to Spock. "You never know, maybe I'll even get on the _Enterprise_."

"That is doubtful. We are not in need of replacements at this time." Spock folded the last of his clothes into his valise, and closed it.

"Gee, thanks, Spock. You really know how to burst a guy's bubble."

The Vulcan's eyebrows shot up. "I did not mean to cause distress. I was merely stating fact."

Kirk grabbed the smaller of Spock's suitcases. "That's okay. But don't you think you'd enjoy serving with me?"

As they headed out, Spock pondered the question. Undoubtedly, he would, perhaps too much so. Getting into the 'car, he studied the young human as Kirk started the engine and began the drive back home. What would it be like, having Kirk on the ship?

Kirk looked over, catching the Vulcan's stare. "What are you thinking?"

"I am considering your question."

"And?"

"And I believe we would both gain much from such an association."

Kirk shook his head. "You make it sound so clinical."

"I am sorry. Such close interaction with humans is new to me. Until recently, I have always followed the Vulcan way. To allow emotion to sway my responses to any given situation...it is difficult."

"So, am I an experiment? To see if you can put up with a human friend?"

Spock looked away, locking his hands together in his lap. "You are mocking me."

Kirk put his hand over Spock's clenched ones, squeezing for a moment before pulling away. "No, I'm not. I've have some dealings with Vulcans before. I know you see things differently, especially when it comes to companions. A teacher of mine made that pretty clear."

"Then you are not repulsed by my ignorance?"

"Of course not. Listen, we've got weeks and weeks to get to know each other if you want. You're going to be here for six you said, and if you think Aurelan's going to let you get away before then, think again. That woman loves to collect strays. I'll be here at least that long. Starfleet gave me three months leave before my first ship assignment. Maybe by the end of that time we really will be friends."

"I would find great pleasure in that." Kirk's smile warmed him the rest of the way back.

^^^^^

"There are plenty of extra blankets, so if these aren't enough let me know." Aurelan straightened up, pushing hard against her lower back before moving around to finish making up the bed that had been added to Kirk's room.

"You should have waited for us to get back, Aurelan. I'm surprised Sam isn't up here giving you hell." Kirk gently steered his sister-in-law to the foot of the bed and sat her down against the extra pillows before grabbing one of the chairs and straddling it backwards.

Spock looked over from the dresser where he was putting his clothes away. "Indeed. You should not be doing such strenuous work in your advanced condition."

Her light laugh filtered through the room. "Oh, Sam brought the bed up. But he got called in to work for one thing or the other. Besides, I'm pregnant, not an invalid. I know what I can and can't do."

"Yeah, but you look like you're ready to pop." Kirk ducked and laughed when a pillow came sailing past him. "Sam would kill me if I let anything happen to you."

"Nothing's going to happen to me. I'm going to live forever, didn't you know that?" She suddenly became serious. "It's you I'm going to have to worry about. Going all over the galaxy, running into who knows what."

Kirk shrugged. "You can't see anything new staying at home. And just think of all the stories Uncle Jim can tell his nephews, or nieces, when he comes to visit."

Spock walked over and took the other chair at the small table. "Ship's duty is inherently dangerous. But there is much to learn out among the stars. I could not imagine a different life for myself. I believe, in this, Jim and I are much alike."

"Just stay safe, okay?" Aurelan slowly levered herself up. "Now, if you two will excuse me, I'm for bed. Goodnight, Jim, Spock. I'll see you in the morning." The door closed quietly behind her.

"She is a good person," Spock stated.

"The best. I remember the first time Sam brought her home to meet my mom. He was in his senior year at college and Mom was so afraid that his getting serious with her would destroy his chances of getting all the way through his schooling. Turns out, he made it through faster. Aurelan worked for years, taking care of everything until he finished. They didn't have Michael until after Sam got his first decent paying job."

"But she continues to work, does she not?"

"You mean the medical center?" Kirk shook his head. "That's only part time, and only while Michael's in school. I think it keeps her from getting lonely. They're pretty isolated out here. In fact, she's only got the rest of this month. She really is just about ready to have that kid."

"I have never spent time around children. They are something of an enigma to me."

"Me, too. Except for Michael, of course. I was been able to spend quite a bit of time with him while I was still at the academy and Sam's job was on Earth. Now...."

"You will miss him?"

"Yeah, isn't that a kick? Sam and I were always close, but Michael...I don't know. We're...connected. He's got me wrapped around his little finger."

"It is said that one's shipmates become one's family."

"Have they for you?"

Spock hesitated. "No, they have not. I have tried to respond in an appropriate way..." His success had been only a little better than on Vulcan.

"Your emotional responses?"

"Yes."

Kirk grabbed Spock's shoulder. "You're doing fine."

"I am pleased you think so." Spock almost smiled.

Kirk seemed to be about to say something, but got up instead and headed for the small bathroom set toward the back of the room. "I'll take a shower first. It'll help heat it up for you."

Spock sat quietly, listening to the soft whistling as Kirk showered. When the human reappeared, billows of steam followed him out of the bathroom.

"Your turn." Kirk walked over to the bed and shed his robe, hanging it over the footboard. He turned and smiled at Spock and, with a quiet "goodnight", slid his nude body into the large bed.

Later, after his own shower, and tucked securely under several layers of blankets, Spock wondered at his reaction to the glimpse of flesh and young manhood. And Kirk's seemingly innocent display of it.

^^^^^

"Ouch! Shit!"

The vehement whisper broke through Spock's slumber. The room was still dark, the rising sun just beginning to cast a small glow over the nearby mountains. He sat up and turned to see Kirk balanced on one foot, tenderly rubbing the other, his work boots clutched in his free hand. "Have you injured yourself?"

Kirk looked up, a sheepish grin spreading across his face. "Sorry, I was trying not to wake you." He put his foot down and came over to sit at the foot of Spock's bed. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yes. Although I am at a loss as to why I slept so late. On board, it is my habit to be up by four hundred hours."

"You probably needed the sleep. I can't imagine you slept very well at the hotel," Kirk responded while he worked at getting his boots on.

"Perhaps. But normally, Vulcans do not need as much sleep as humans." He eyed the young man, noticing the work clothes he wore. "Do you have plans?"

"Yeah. I've been laying in some shelves in the basement. Everyone else is gone most of the day, so I've been trying to stay busy. Want to help? I could use it. Oh, I forgot about your ankle."

"As long as I do not apply weight to it for an extended period of time, it should be all right." He pushed the covers off and got up. Unlike Kirk, he had slept in nightwear. He walked over to the highboy and pulled out a tunic and pants. "Will this be adequate?"

Kirk gave him a doubtful look. "I don't think so. You need something you won't mind getting torn. Just wear Sam's clothes again. They're old anyway. Later we can either go through his closet and borrow some for a while, or pick you up a few things in town." He finished tying his boots and got up. "I'll go see what he has. When you're ready, meet me downstairs. Aurelan's got breakfast going."

"Very well." Grabbing the clothes he had discarded the night before, Spock laid them out on the bed and proceeded to undress. As he drew off his pajama top, he realized that Kirk was still standing at the doorway, watching him. A Vulcan eyebrow went up in question.

"I'll be downstairs," was Kirk's only response as he left the room.

^^^^^

The next few days were spent working in the basement, the hours flying by in the company of the compelling human. Even though only given the work that could be done from a sitting position to keep him off his injured ankle, Spock found the manual labor satisfying, especially since his mind was completely focused on Kirk. He had never known anyone like him. Easy to laughter, the human had a deep and often serious side that Spock was delighted to discover as they talked of everything and nothing. It was during one of these discussions that he learned of a shared addiction.

"You play chess?" Kirk was putting away the tools as Spock finished picking up the pieces of wood scattered about the room. They had made great progress in the short week Spock had come to think of as the most satisfying and deeply rewarding of his life.

"Yes. My mother taught me when I was a small child."

"Your mother? How did she know about chess?" Kirk turned with a puzzled expression.

"She is human." Spock straightened from his task and waited for the usual reaction of disdain.

"Really? No wonder you're not like other Vulcans."

"You stated that you have had previous contact with Vulcans. I was not aware that my differences were so obvious," Spock stiffly said.

"Hey, don't get mad. I only meant that you're a lot more open than the few I've known. My calculus instructor at the academy was Vulcan. I met his roommate a couple of times when he'd pick him up after class."

"Roommate?" Curiosity piqued, he forgot his hurt.

"You know what I mean. For all their reticence, it was obvious they were close, connected. I have to admit to being kind of jealous that their relationship. And there were a couple of others." Kirk walked over, concern written clearly on his face. "I'm sorry if I offended you. That wasn't my intention."

Spock looked down. "No, it is I who should express regret. I assumed offense when there was none."

"Friends, then?" Kirk lowered his head, looked up into Spock's eyes and smiled.

There was no way he could have resisted the human. He raised his head and smiled back. "Yes, friends."

Great." Kirk turned toward the door, acting as if the misunderstanding had never taken place. "There's a chess set in the front room. Let's go play a game."

Spock followed his friend up the stairs and into the front room. Sam and Aurelan were there, sitting quietly before the fire reading.

"What are you two up to?" Sam looked up as they entered, putting down his paper.

Kirk walked to a large cabinet off to the side and started going through the drawers that encompassed the bottom half. "We're going to play chess, if I can find the board."

Aurelan closed her book, her place kept with an inserted finger. "It's in the bottom drawer, Jim, where you left it last time."

"Thanks." Kirk pulled out a dark green box. He brought it over to a small round table placed in front of the windows. He sat down and started setting up the board.

Spock took the seat across from him, studying the chess pieces as Kirk removed them from the felt-lined box. He picked up his king. "Gaius Julius Caesar."

"Yeah, it was my dad's. He was really into ancient Earth history. My mom gave it to Sam when he turned twenty-one. All the pieces represent someone, or something, from that time.

Spock replaced the figure. "Do you wish to play white?"

Sam laughed. "I don't think you know what you're getting into, Spock. I wouldn't give him the advantage if I were you."

"I am considered quite good at the game," Spock replied, slightly ruffled.

"I've heard that before. In fact, I was the one who said it." Sam looked over at his brother. "Go easy on him, Jim."

The game began, and all too soon Spock had reason to rethink his initial confidence. Kirk had an uncanny knack for making moves that were not planned, or seemed to not be, yet ended up putting Spock's pieces in jeopardy. "You play illogically."

"I play to win. Come on, Spock. You're making this way too easy," the human teased.

By the end of the third game, two of which Spock lost, his admiration of his friend's mind had outstripped his appreciation for his looks. Watching the human, Spock wondered what it would be like to join with such a mind.

^^^^^

The days passed swiftly. Whenever Spock had an appointment he and Kirk would hitch a ride into town with Sam, his young friend using it as an excuse to get away from their chores for the day. But usually during the week they would be hard at it, leaving off their task with just enough time to shower and change before Aurelan returned home, Michael in tow. The young boy, deprived of his uncle's company while at school, spent most evenings as a constant fixture at Kirk's side. Even Sam's appearance a few hours later could not budge him. Spock had never been in contact with children, and he found the experience somewhat disquieting. It was like discovering a new life form, and the Vulcan proceeded to treat the child as such.

The little boy asked questions incessantly, a state that Kirk explained to him was totally normal for a child of Michael's age. Spock wasn't so sure, but he nevertheless did his best to answer the seemingly endless queries. If nothing else, it would teach him patience.

It seemed the entire family was going out of their way to make him feel welcome, at home. Two weeks into his stay, it was decided that included the obligatory old-fashioned barbecue.

Aurelan threw herself into the plans, stating that a party would have the side benefit of introducing Spock to all their friends. It made him feel as one with the entire family, filling the emptiness that had been a part of him since leaving Vulcan. He felt at home.

^^^^^

The warm glow from the rising sun was just lighting the room when Spock sensed an essence focused intensely on him. He rolled over and was met by two large hazel eyes appraising him from the bed across the room.

"Good morning," Spock mouthed, slightly bemused by the situation.

The little boy, his back pressed up against his sleeping uncle, continued to stare back. Finally, he crept out of the bed and came over to Spock. He sat at the foot of the bed, propping his chin in his hands, his elbows firmly planted on crossed legs.

"Do you wish to ask me something?" Spock would be surprised if he didn't.

Michael glanced over to his uncle and then back to Spock. "Are you going to go with Uncle Jim?"

"Go? Where?"

"On his ship."

"I do not believe so. Why do you ask?" Spock queried, noticing the boy's obvious relief.

"He promised to take me with him when he gets his ship. If you go with him, he might not want me to."

Spock sat up, giving the small boy his total attention. "You wish very much to be with him, do you not?"

"Ah huh. I'm going to be his..." Michael cocked his head, as if searching for the words.

"First officer?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "his first officer. We're going to go everywhere together. He said we would. But Mom says I can't go yet. I might get hurt." A frown replaced the smile. "But what if Uncle Jim gets hurt?"

"It will be a few years before you will be able to join him. You must first finish school. Perhaps, if it is allowed, I will safeguard him until then. Would that not help?"

The little boy with serious intent thought about it for several seconds before answering. "Okay. But only until I get there."

A rustling from the other bed drew their attention. Kirk was stretching, coming awake. He looked over and blinked in surprise. "What are you two up to?"

"Spock is going to take care of you until Mom lets me go with you." Michael got up and returned to his uncle's bed. He grabbed Kirk's arm, trying to haul him up. "Come on, the barbecue's today."

Kirk pulled the blankets up over his lap as he sat up. "Okay, okay. Give me a minute." He gave Spock a strange look. "What's this about you taking care of me?"

Color suffused Spock's face. "The child was concerned about your welfare until such time as he can accompany you as your first officer. I volunteered my services to that end."

"Really?" Kirk pulled his nephew onto the bed, settling him next to him. "You don't mind if Spock goes with me?"

"No, it's okay. He can take care of you. He's your friend, isn't he, Uncle Jim?"

Kirk looked over, a smile on his face as he gazed at Spock. "Yeah, he's my friend." He continued to stare, finally forcing Spock to look away.

"Perhaps we should get up and prepare for today." Spock, his controls firmly in place, looked back at his friend.

"You're right. Come on, Michael. Time's a-wasting." He picked up the small boy and stood him on the floor, then turned him and with a gentle swat sent him on his way.

"Is it not too cold to be planning outdoor activities?" Spock asked as they dressed. While he layered himself in his clothes, adding the sweater bought during their last visit to town, Kirk threw on Levi's and a t-shirt.

"Heck, no." Kirk sat to tie his laces. "Summer's on its way. The storm last week was winter's last hurrah."

"There will be many people here, will there not?"

"Sure. Aurelan's invited most of their neighbors. One of them has got a daughter she's just dying for me to meet." Kirk grimaced. "I wish she's cut it out."

"You do not wish to meet the young lady?"

"Not really. Aurelan means well, but she usually pick these girls that, I don't know, aren't very, well, exciting. I think she's trying to find me a wife."

"You do not wish to marry?" Spock wondered if perhaps Kirk's desires mirrored his own.

"Maybe some day. But I'm too young for that right now, and I've got a career I'm just starting." He got up and grabbing a light jacket, motioned Spock out of the room. "You know what I mean, don't you?"

"I believe so. You wish to delay marriage until such a time as you feel capable of giving yourself fully to one person."

"That's it exactly! How did you know that?"

Spock didn't answer as they were met by Sam on their way to breakfast. It wasn't until later, as they dragged out the lawn furniture for the expected guests, that they picked up the conversation.

"I too have been pressured to conform to an acceptable path. For a Vulcan, to be alone is considered outside the bounds of the norm."

they sat at one of the picnic tables for a break. Kirk leaned back, propping his elbows on the surface behind him. "It's not that I want to be alone, exactly. I just don't want to end up with the wrong person."

"Would you not know before making a commitment whether the person was correct for you?" Spock wished he had that option. He turned to face his friend, tucking one leg against his body.

"I don't think it's that easy. Besides, I'm not sure what kind of person would be the right kind. I've always known that I was different, especially since...well, for a long time now." Kirk looked up, seemingly intent on the clouds overhead. "I don't know if the person exists who would be right for me."

"What is it you seek?" Spock's words were almost a whisper.

Kirk didn't answer at first and Spock had begun to believe he wasn't going to when the human finally spoke. "Someone who knows me as well as I know myself, and stays anyway. Someone who can stand at my side, who I can lean on when I need the added strength, and who trusts me enough to lean on me." He turned to Spock with a derisive smile. "I don't ask for much, do I?"

"You deserve that, and much more." Spock was drawn into the large hazel eyes, the human's pull increasing with each passing second. He felt his body lean forward, closing the gap between them.

"There you two are." Sam walked out of the house, banging the screen door behind him.

Kirk blinked and pulled back. He got up, casting a troubled look at Spock as he went to meet his brother. "What's up?"

Spock remained seated as the two brothers started a fire in the nearby fire pit. The two were much alike, both open and alive. Yet somehow, Spock could sense a darkness in Kirk that was not present in his older brother, as if his friend had lost a part of himself somewhere along the way. It bothered him inordinately, the idea that something could have hurt Kirk so badly.

While Spock pondered this, Michael and Aurelan walked out of the house. The little boy made his way over to his father and uncle, insisting on helping, while Aurelan came over to sit next to Spock.

They watched the three finish preparing the barbecue pit, until Aurelan finally broke the silence. "I'm so glad Jim was able to stay with us for awhile. It really does him good to be around his brother."

"And Michael?" Spock asked, the question rhetorical.

She smiled, "You've noticed, huh? It's really strange. I don't think Jim wants kids of his own, but he sure is attached to his nephew. It's almost as if..." She trailed off.

"Almost as if?"

She tilted her head in concentration, studying her son and brother-in-law. "As if he sees himself in Michael, the way he was before."

Spock frowned, "Before what?"

Aurelan shook herself and looked away. "It's nothing." She stood and started toward the house. "I'd better finish preparing the food."

When their company began to arrive, Spock found himself sitting alone, watching the humans' interaction with interest. He had seated himself at a table not far from the house, though outside the general commotion. Michael spent most of the day playing with his small friends, but came over to ask Spock if he wanted to play tag. He declined. He felt no desire to put himself forward, finding pleasure instead in watching Kirk talk and laugh with the others. But as time went by, he noticed the human stealing glances at him. Finally, Kirk disengaged himself from the others and walked over to him.

"What's the matter? Aren't you having a good time?"

"I am having an excellent time. I find human interaction fascinating." He looked up at his friend. The temperature had remained balmy just as Kirk had predicted, and the human had abandoned his jacket. The thin material of the t-shirt only accentuated Kirk's body.

Kirk laughed and sat down next to him. "You're studying us, aren't you?"

Spock blushed. "If I have given offense..."

Laying his hand on Spock arm, Kirk shook his head, "It's all right, Spock. So, what do you think so far?"

"It is an interesting cultural ritual. You come together over food to tighten the bonds created by a shared environment, and at the same time create new ones in the desire to maintain the species."

With a laugh, Kirk threw his arm around Spock, hugging him. "Only you would see an innocent picnic as a way for humans to find someone to have sex with."

"Is this not the case?" Spock turned and lifted an eyebrow, his joy at the physical contact almost unbearable.

"Probably. Just don't let Aurelan hear you say that. Speak of the devil..."

Spock followed Kirk's gaze and saw Aurelan walking toward them with a young woman in tow.

"Jim, I'd like you to meet Laura. She lives a few miles up the road." Aurelan turned to the girl. "Laura, this is my brother-in-law, Jim, and our friend, Spock. They're both staying with us for a while."

The girl gave Spock a cursory look before fastening on Kirk. After that, Spock did not see his friend for most of the afternoon, Kirk's attention taken by the young girl on his arm. He had resigned himself to an evening alone, surprised at the intensity of his distress. But as the party wound down and he entered the house and started up the stairs, he heard his name yelled out.

"Spock, wait up." Kirk came running up the porch stairs, bounding into the house and next to his friend's side. "Did you think I'd run out on my Vulcan companion?"

Spock almost stumbled, stunned by Kirk's words.

Together, they made their way to the room upstairs.

^^^^^

For Spock, Kirk's action spoke of a choice made, and he reveled in the thought that he was Kirk's chosen companion. If the glances thrown his way by the human were sometimes shaded by uneasiness, he ignored the implications. Were they not now t'hy'la?

With their work in the basement done, they began to spend a large portion of each day in the loft, working on whatever new project Aurelan would round up for them. In the closed environment of the isolated room, Spock could visualize how it would be to work with Kirk if they were assigned to the same ship. Kirk was in Starfleet. There had to be a way to guide their careers along the same path. For the first time in his life, Spock was ambivalent regarding the loss of his family's connections. For it would have been an undeniable temptation to use them to gain what he most desired...a future at Kirk's side.

In the evenings, the four adults would often find themselves ensconced around the large fireplace that dominated the front room as they talked of life and the dreams that each held close. Sam would speak of his plans, the positions he hoped would come his way, Aurelan and their children his comfort and support. Aurelan's hopes were for a large family and roots sunk deep on some idyllic planet. For Spock and Kirk, it was the stars that held their future, and both talked of discoveries and adventures to come.

This particular evening, Sam and Aurelan had turned in early. As her delivery date drew near, the two spent more and more time alone. And though he missed their company, Spock delighted in the opportunity to have Kirk even more to himself. Alone, the firelight creating a cocoon of heat and light, the two men could open up to each other in a way unthinkable with any others present. And without the distraction of work, Kirk seemed to draw ever closer to him.

"It's your move, Spock." Kirk lay on his belly, propped up on his arms as they played the chess game that was becoming a ritual.

"I am contemplating my options." Spock frowned at his friend. Kirk had once again managed to trap him into a corner, putting his king in jeopardy.

Kirk grinned wickedly. "It's mate in four, Spock. Give it up."

"The game is not yet over."

The human continued to smile at him, obviously enjoying his predicament. The fire casting flickers of light over Kirk's face only increased Spock's inability to give his total concentration to the game. As he reached to tip his king, a joyous shriek of laughter echoed down the stairs, followed by a very wet and unclothed Michael.

The little boy raced into the room and threw himself into his uncle's arms. "Don't let the monster get me, Uncle Jim!"

Kirk laughed and hugged the wiggling child, who was attempting to turn around in his arms, in anticipation of his father's appearance.

"Here he comes!" Michael yelled, and set forth another loud shriek as his father's head peeked around the wall at the foot of the stairs.

"Where's the little boy who's trying to get out of finishing his bath?" Sam growled, shuffling toward the three in an exaggerated gait.

Spock blinked. Surely Sam was not trying to frighten the child into complying? If he was, it was not working. Michael was giggling loudly, practically climbing over his uncle, who was vainly trying to keep the boy from pulling his hair.

"Get him off of me, Spock." Kirk had joined into the game, which caused Michael to hold on even tighter.

"No, he's mine." Sam's voice deepened as he stalked toward his son.

Michael's eyes were glowing as his father reached for him, and at the last second he leaped from Kirk to Spock, wrapping his legs around the Vulcan's waist. "Save me, Spock!"

Spock never would have expected the feelings that welled up in him for the small human in his arms. He held on to the boy, wanting to protect him from all harm, even the imaginary kind. "I shall allow no one to harm you." He spoke softly, too softly for any to hear, and when Michael finally disengaged himself and went willingly with his father, Spock illogically felt bereft.

"He's got to you, hasn't he?" Kirk asked, a smile of pleasure lighting his face.

"He is innocence and love in one small package. How could he not?" Spock thought of Kirk. _As you must have been, my beloved friend._

"I'm glad. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't. He likes you...almost as much as I do."

Spock turned to look at his friend and saw only love reflected back. He took a deep breath to still the racing of his heart as he recognized the pull of a newborn link.

So it was with a jarring sense of falling to earth that Spock heard Kirk's announcement of his plans for the following night.

^^^^^

Aurelan's strong hands kneaded the mound of dough as she cast glances at the stoic Vulcan. She had coerced him down from the loft, pleading a necessity for two extra hands. Spock had politely complied but now stood deep in thought, his hands mechanically cutting the assortment of vegetables before him.

"Spock?" She reached out, gently nudging him with her wrist.

He blinked and forced himself to respond. "Yes, Aurelan?"

"What is it? What's the matter?"

"There is nothing amiss." He looked down at the cutting board. The vegetables were cut so small they looked almost mashed. With a sigh he dropped them into the large bowl on the counter and started on a new batch.

"You miss Jim, don't you?" she asked. "He'll be back in a few hours. I think he and Gloria were only going to a movie." She made a face. "I don't understand why he even bothers."

The non sequitur caught his attention. "I do not understand."

"Oh, don't mind me." She shrugged. "It's just that I don't particularly care for Miss Gloria butter-wouldn't-melt-in-her-mouth Rivers."

Spock's eyebrows disappeared under his bangs, much to Aurelan's delight.

"Does Jim know of your feelings?" he queried.

"I guess. It's not like I've tried to hide them. The funny thing is, I thought he felt the same way. The previous time he took her out, he swore it would be the last."

"Perhaps he has reconsidered?" Spock tentatively responded.

"But why? The girl's nice enough, in a condescending sort of way. But Jim could do so much better. I just don't understand why he can't find someone worthy of him. I know it irritates him, the way I'm always introducing him to girls I know, but it's only because I love him...and because he makes such lousy choices on his own. Time after time, I've seen him pick these women.... First it's one that's way too old for him, then a total nut-case, then...well, I could go on all night. I don't know, it's almost as if he goes out of his way to make sure he doesn't date anyone that he could possibly have a future with."

"A family is difficult to maintain in the profession he has chosen. He has often mentioned his own situation..."

"His father's death."

"Yes. He does not wish to visit such pain on a wife and children." Spock knew the feeling well. He had no desire to marry, to leave his bondmate behind while he followed his own path. He had maintained the illogical hope that if he ignored his link to T'Pring long enough, she would just go away. It had worked so far.

"Well, I don't agree with that at all. Jim could have a perfectly satisfying relationship with someone in the service, someone who wants the same kind of life he does. And Spock, everyone dies eventually. To go through life afraid of getting close just because you or they might die someday just doesn't make any sense. This time is all we have. If I died tomorrow, not ever having had the love of my husband, my son...it would make my death even more tragic."

"It is difficult sometimes to see the logic of a certain course when it is not what you truly desire."

"Are you talking about Jim, or yourself?"

Spock put the knife down and started tearing the bread Aurelan pushed over to him into small pieces. "Both. I do not wish to betray a confidence. Jim has honored me with his trust. But I have discovered that we are much alike. We both strive for a place, a home if you will, where we can be what we were meant to be, and a companion to make the journey with. But at the same time, we both desire total freedom. I am not saying this well. Emotions are difficult for me to understand, much less explain."

"I think I understand. You're both very special men, Spock. And you're both going to need a very special partner. But running's not going to get you anywhere. Eventually you, and Jim, are going to have to face up to the fact that you can't hide from love."

"Is that what you think we are doing?"

Aurelan shrugged. "I don't know you well enough to say. But I know my brother-in-law. He's running so fast there's a real chance he's going to miss this person when she, or he, finally shows up."

"He?" Spock looked up from his task in surprise.

"Why not? Love comes in all sizes and shapes." She grimaced and wiped her hands on the kitchen towel. "My back is bothering me. Could you finish up here, Spock? I really need to lie down."

Spock replayed their conversation as he put the food away and cleaned up. Did Jim feel any of the desire that he did? And if he did, how did Spock go about finding out? Never had his lack of knowledge been so frustrating. Finishing his task, Spock turned off the light and made his way up to their room and bed.

Two hours later he heard Kirk quietly come in. By the time the human had showered and crawled into bed, Spock was contentedly asleep.

^^^^^

Spock closed the door to the bedroom and headed downstairs. For once, he had risen earlier than Kirk, who was only now getting up. He could hear Aurelan in the kitchen as she prepared their breakfast. It was her last day of work, but due to a mix-up in dates the day before had been Michael's last at school. Somehow Spock and Kirk had been volunteered, and would spend the day trying to keep up with the four-year old. Aurelan had graciously offered to leave her 'car in recompense.

The little boy sat in his place at the table, his breakfast already half finished when Spock walked in. He looked up and grinned, displaying a large portion of his breakfast through the gapped-tooth smile of early childhood.

"Morning, Spock. You and Jim ready for your big day?" Aurelan teased. She turned to the table and deposited a stack of pancakes next to the hot plates of eggs and sausages.

"As ready as can be expected." He took his seat, conveniently set furthest from the nauseating smell of burnt flesh, and proceeded to pile his plate with the only thing on the table he could eat. He was becoming a connoisseur of pancakes.

"You could have waited for me." Kirk came in and took his seat next to Spock, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"I did not wish to disturb your sleep. You were up quite late." Spock kept his eyes on his breakfast.

"Stupid movie. I would have been home earlier, but Gloria insisted on stopping for a drink first." Kirk stabbed his fork into a sausage and began to load up his plate.

Aurelan walked around to her chair and sat down, timing the placing of her and Sam's breakfasts to her husband's entrance. "Since when does a girl tell you what to do?"

"What girl?" Sam asked as he took his place at the head of the table.

"Gloria." His wife brought her hand together at the side of her face, mimicking the motions of a southern belle. "Oh, Jimmy. You all have to buy me a drink, or I'll just die."

Sam's laughter was stifled by the dirty look from his brother.

"Is she not well?" Spock turned to inquire of his friend.

"If you're talking about Aurelan, the answer is no." Kirk glared at his sister-in-law. "It's not funny. She practically made a scene."

Spock knew Aurelan was confronting Kirk over his choice of companion, but her brutal honesty was disconcerting. He looked over at Michael. The little boy's eyes were big, round O's. Spock could imagine the shock he must be feeling to see his mother berate his beloved uncle that way.

"It'd serve you right if she did. You know what kind of girl she is. I thought you weren't going to go out with her anymore?"

Kirk looked at Spock, as if expecting help. Not knowing what to do, Spock could only look back helplessly. After a moment, Kirk looked away and turned to his brother.

"You really should learn to control your wife, Sam. Sometimes, she says things that-"

"Don't get me in the middle of this. If you can't handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. That's my motto." Sam brought his hands up in defense, caught between his wife and brother.

"Oh, forget it. Eat your breakfast," Aurelan said in disgust.

The table was quiet after that. Spock occasionally threw a glance at Kirk or Aurelan, but they both had their gazes locked on their plates. After what seemed a very long time, Spock felt a tap on his shoulder.

"You ready to go?" Kirk was standing up, his face closed.

Spock nodded and pushed away from the table. "Thank you for breakfast, Aurelan."

The woman looked up and smiled. "Anytime, Spock. I'll see you later."

Kirk grabbed his arm and pulled Spock from the room. "Thank you for breakfast, Aurelan," he mimicked. "Some friend you turned out to be."

"I do not understand what transpired. Why is she angry with you? And you with her?"

"It's a long story. But basically, she's mad at me for going out with Gloria." Kirk sighed. "And I guess I can't blame her. _I_ don't even know why I did. I would have had more fun spending the night with you." Kirk's face turned an appealing rose. "That didn't come out right."

Spock puzzled over the statement. "You would _not_ have enjoyed my company?"

"Of course I would have. I meant about spending the night with you. You know."

"No, I do not know. Please explain."

Kirk looked at him as if he couldn't make up his mind if Spock was serious or not. "Us being together...through the night...in bed."

Spock's eyebrows flew up. It was the opportunity he had been looking for. "I understand. You are referring to sexual congress. I was not aware that you desired intercourse with males."

"I don't! And lower your voice, for Pete's sake." Kirk shook his head. "Do you? Like men, I mean."

"I do not know. I have never had sexual relations with one."

Kirk gave him an odd look, and then grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into the front room. He sat on the couch and indicated Spock sit next to him. "Would you like to?"

Spock was about to answer honestly, when the instincts he denied having kicked in. "Why do you ask?"

Kirk looked away. "Just wondering. I've had one or two come on to me, but I've never been interested. I like women."

"I see." He didn't, but he knew he was out of his depth, floundering in unknown territory.

"Jim? Where are you guys?" Sam called from the hallway.

"In here." Kirk got up and met his brother at the door.

"We're leaving now. Michael's in the backyard. Keep an eye on him, and don't let him stay out too long."

"Sure. We're be leaving for town soon, anyway. Spock has another treatment today." Kirk stayed to the side as Aurelan entered the room on her way out.

Sam sighed and, placing his hand on his wife's back, led her out.

Kirk stood in the room for a moment and then suddenly raced to the door and threw it open, waving furiously. "I'll see you guys later!"

Spock, standing at the window, saw the smile light Aurelan's face as she waved back.

^^^^^

"How's it feel?" Kirk watched as Spock tentatively brought his entire weight down on his injured ankle.

"It seems to be totally healed." Spock looked at his friend and smiled.

"Well, come on then." Kirk had Michael perched on his shoulders, and the three of them left the medical building and headed toward the aircar.

"Look, Uncle Jim!" Michael squirmed around, trying to get Kirk to turn in the direction away from the 'car.

A small carnival was set up across the expanse of parking, people already lined up at the fence surrounding it.

"Want to check it out?" Kirk asked, his eyes alight.

Spock hesitated. "What is it?"

"It's a carnival. They have rides and all sorts of food that's bad for you. You'll like it, I promise." With a grin, Kirk turned and led them forward.

Spock had to admit it was turning out to be a pleasant experience. While Michael rode the children's rides, he and Kirk would sit nearby, talking or just relaxing in the cheerful atmosphere. Their try at winning a prize, a stuffed animal of indistinguishable species, was met with success when Spock knocked over three stacks of bottle in a row.

"How'd you do that?" Kirk watched from the side, his own attempt having failed.

"It is quite simple. One must only calculate the angle of trajectory and the force needed to negate the inertia of the target. Though I did find that I had to take into account the added weight."

"What added weight?" Kirk frowned at the barker, who was busy restacking the bottles.

"The added weight in the bottles. It was obvious from the way they fell that they weighed more than I had initially realized."

"I should have known." Kirk shook his head.

Spock took his prize, and the three walked toward the concession stands. He selected a table and chairs for four, the stuffed animal needing its own seat, while Kirk and Michael went to get lunch.

The odd look or two he garnered failed to disturb him. He was used to such looks. Vulcans did not by habit seek out the situations that Spock found attracted him. His insatiable curiosity had marked him as different from the first on his home world, and once he had left it the very fact of his uniqueness among humans had continued his isolation. But he did not think that at this moment anything could mar the contentment he felt. He had taken his first tentative steps into the world of emotions and had found more than he would ever have dared dream. His life was not what it had been, and he owed much of it to the young man who now walked toward him, and the young child at his side.

"Penny for your thoughts." Kirk settled his nephew onto the chair before taking his own seat at the table.

"I bet your pardon?" Spock tilted his head in confusion.

"It's an old saying. I was asking what you were thinking about."

"You."

"Me?" Kirk grinned. "What about me?"

"How you have affected my life. The changes that have been wrought in me since meeting you."

"Good changes, I hope."

"I believe so." Spock looked away, unable to meet the compelling gaze.

"Do I bother you, Spock?" Kirk's voice hushed.

He looked back at the human, aware how well his friend was able to see beneath the facade Spock had always worn. "There is a connection between us that grows stronger with each passing day. Surely, you must feel it."

"Yes, I feel it." It was Kirk's turn to look away, fussing with his nephew's napkin while attempting to recover his equilibrium. "I'll miss you when you have to go. I don't think I realized how much until this moment." He looked back. "Let's not talk about that. I want to enjoy you for as long as I can."

Spock smiled and nodded his head. He still had two weeks of his leave. He would not bring sorrow to this time and the memories he would cherish the rest of his life. They might be all he had.

^^^^^

Spock drove the 'car as Kirk held his sleeping nephew. It had been a full day for the small child. When they got to the house Sam was waiting on the porch. As the two men walked toward him, he stepped down and took his son from his brother's arms.

"You all done in, son?" Sam caressed the boy's head and carried him into the house, Kirk and Spock following behind.

With quiet "goodnights", they made their way to their rooms. Sam had decided to let Michael sleep in his and Aurelan's room for the night, so he nodded at the two men as they continued past to the loft.

"You sleepy, Spock?" Kirk had showered and seated himself at the small table, his robe thrown on and carelessly tied.

"I would enjoy conversing with you, if that is your pleasure." Spock got up from his bed and sat in the other chair, his hands folded in front of him.

Kirk hesitated a moment. "I was just thinking about our conversation earlier, about your leaving."

"You are distressed?" Spock knew his own thoughts on the matter. He desperately wanted some sort of understanding between them before his time here was over.

"You could say that." The human shrugged. "I'm really going to miss you, Spock. You'd think there'd be something we could do, get posted together...something."

He hesitantly reached out and took the human's hand in his. With a start, he felt the link flare to life. "Perhaps we already have."

"I don't know what you mean." Kirk stared at their joined hands, but didn't pull away.

"There is a connection between us. We are t'hy'la."

"I know there's a connection between us. We're friends..."

"We are more than 'friends'."

Kirk shrugged. "Okay, more than friends, but that's not going to get us on the same ship."

"If that is what you wish, it can be done."

"How?"

Spock brought his free hand up and placed two fingers against Kirk's temple, an unspoken question on his face.

"What will it do?" There was no fear in Kirk's words, only a cautious eagerness.

"Only strengthen what is already between us. Such a link is something shared by t'hy'la to make separation more bearable. Later, Vulcan law would dictate that we be posted together."

"Because of a link? Because we're...t'hy'la?" Kirk stumbled over the word.

"Yes." Spock could hardly contain the urge to take what was under his hand.

The human took a deep breath. "Do it."

Closing his eyes, Spock released his mind and let the link strengthen. Its tendrils bound the two men fast as energy shifted from body to mind. After a while, he brought his hand down and opened his eyes.

Kirk shook his head, rubbing his brow in confusion. "Is that it? It's done?"

"It is done."

Kirk stood up and pulled his hand free. He yawned and stretched. "All of a sudden I'm tired. Let's go to bed."

Spock gazed at the human as Kirk walked over and disrobed. He too was fatigued. The enhancing of the link had taken much from both of them.

Running his fingers through his hair, Kirk stretched again, displaying his body. The partial erection he flaunted enflamed Spock, and it was all he could do to stay seated. Their time was coming, he knew that now.

^^^^^

The low moans brought Spock up and over to the large bed. Kirk's body was covered with sweat, and he was in obvious distress. His hands gripped the sheet below him as he tossed his head from side to side.

"Jim? Jim, wake up." He touched the human's shoulder, worry overriding his initial reluctance to embarrass his friend. They had been asleep for less than an hour.

Kirk's eyes flew open, and with a cry he bolted into a sitting position. "No! Don't!"

"What is it? What is wrong?" Spock grabbed Kirk by the arms, shaking him slightly.

Kirk's eyes slowly came into focus. With a shudder, he fell against Spock and wrapped his arms tightly around him. "I'm sorry. It'd been so long since the last one. I didn't think I had to worry about them anymore."

"A nightmare?" Spock found his hand of its own volition stroking the flaxen hair as Kirk pressed his head against Spock's chest.

"Yeah." Kirk seemed content to stay where he was. "That feels good."

Spock continued running his fingers through the soft strands of hair at Kirk's temple. "You have had them before, like this?"

"For years. Usually when I'm tired or upset." Kirk relaxed, his hands falling from Spock's back to nestle around his waist.

"Perhaps you have overtaxed yourself. Taking care of a child...or the strengthening of our link," Spock said almost as an afterthought. He didn't want to think that what was between them could in any way adversely affect his friend.

"I don't know. Maybe. But I think...I think it's more than that."

"Do you wish to speak of it?"

"Not really. It doesn't do any good, anyway." He loosened his grip and released himself from Spock's embrace. "Thanks. I'm sorry for being such a baby about it." He looked down, pulling the cover over his body.

"There is no need to apologize. I am glad I was able to be of assistance." Spock tried to read the play of emotions that passed over Kirk's face. The only light was the little that shone from the small night light in the bathroom, not enough to truly distinguish what it was his friend was feeling.

The human lay back down. "I'm okay now. If you want, you can go back to bed."

"If it is not an imposition, I will sit here for a while."

"Why would you want to do that?"

Spock thought a moment before answering. "It will give me...emotional security. I wish to insure that the experience will not be repeated, at least for this night." His voice lowered. "You are very dear to me. I would keep all pain from you if I could."

"All right." Kirk moved his body over and lay on his side, facing Spock, "But if you insist on staying, will you at least lie down? It'll be more comfortable, and I feel guilty enough as it is."

Without a second thought, Spock stretched out next to his friend, covering himself with the blanket Kirk invariably kicked to the foot of the bed. He watched as Kirk's eyes closed and his breathing evened out in sleep. Only then did he quit his vigil and allow his own slumber.

^^^^^

"Jim, get up, it's...." Sam stopped in his tracks, his hand still on the doorknob as he entered the room. His surprise at finding his brother and Spock together in the same bed cuddled close was evident.

"Um, hi, Sam." Kirk sat up, pulling himself out the warm embrace, his face a bright red. "What's going on?"

Spock looked from one brother to the other. Sam's entrance had awakened him, but he hadn't had time to let go of the human in his arms, much less extricate himself from Kirk's. He wasn't sure how they had come to be in that position. But obviously during the night they had been drawn together as their bodies reacted to the desires that had been steadily growing between them.

Sam hesitated only a moment as he studied the two. Finally, he shrugged and smiled. "Aurelan's gone into labor."

Kirk jumped up and grabbed his pants. "Why didn't you say so?" He hurriedly dressed, everything else forgotten.

Spock got up, walked over to his own clothes, and proceeded to change. He would say nothing until he was alone with Jim. Then, they would plan the rest of their lives.

^^^^^

"How do you think she's doing?" Kirk sat with his elbows resting on his knees, his hands clasping and unclasping as they hung between his legs. They had been sitting for the better part of the day, waiting for the next Kirk to make its entrance into the world.

"I do not know. I have never been present at the birth of a child." Spock sat next to his friend, trying to hide his own impatience.

"You'd think Sam would have the decency to at least come out and give us an update."

"I'm sure he is quite busy. The father is expected to participate fully in this endeavor." He wasn't exactly sure what the man could do in such a situation, but that is what he had always been told. After all, wasn't the woman doing all that was required?

"Do you want kids, Spock?" Kirk asked unexpectedly. "I don't think I do. They just wouldn't fit into the lifestyle we've got planned."

"Jim, perhaps we should speak of—"

"It's another boy!" Sam burst into the room, a wide grin on his face. He grabbed his brother up, taking him in a bear hug.

Kirk laughed and returned the embrace, pounding his brother on the back. "That's great!"

Letting go Sam started toward Spock, but stopped when Spock raised his eyebrows and took a step back. The human laughed and turned back to his brother. "We're naming him Brian Nathaniel. He's big, almost eight pounds. Sure didn't take after our side of the family."

Kirk grimaced and turn to Spock. "Want to go see him?"

Spock nodded and the three men proceeded to the nursery. All the human babies looked the same as far as Spock could tell. But he remained silent, happy for his friends. Sam would be staying at the hospital until Aurelan was released, and since they had dropped Michael off at a friend's house on the way in, he and Kirk would have the house to themselves for the next two days. Surely by the time Sam and Aurelan returned, he could truthfully state what he had come to feel was true. This was his family, and he had come home.

They stayed with Sam until early evening. But after being allowed to see Aurelan and the baby, they decided to head back to the house. The air outside held a touch of spring, the breeze cool but promising the life-giving warmth of summer. Kirk and Spock made their way back to the aircar in silence, and slid in on either side. The human seemed to hesitate as they buckled up.

"Feel like picking something up to eat?" Kirk asked, as he started up the vehicle.

"If that is what you desire." Spock sensed an undercurrent that had never been there before.

"There's a place up the road. It's a dive, but they serve good food." He turned and smiled at his friend. "We can play a game or two of pool."

"That would be acceptable."

The drive only took fifteen minutes, time Spock took to study his friend. Kirk was almost agitated, the self-assurance Spock had come to expect in him, gone. Perhaps Kirk was unsure of the enormous step they were about to take. The human had implied a certain knowledge of Vulcan, of the ways of its people. Surely he realized that Spock would never allow any to disparage their link. Even now, the thought of touching his friend in the intimacy of a meld or in the throes of bodily passion made Spock shiver with need. He could feel his penis fill with anticipation, and he worked at controlling his body's reaction. It was not yet time. Tonight was soon enough.

"This is it," Kirk said as he pulled the 'car into a dusty, partially shaded area.

Vehicles of every type and description filled the parking area that fronted a high fence of distressed wood. The opening at its center gave way to a large enclosure surrounding a small building. Chairs and tables were placed haphazardly about, and several people were playing some sort of ball game in the sand-laden space that dominated the area to the left.

"Do you come here often?" Spock asked as they made their way through the crowd of people. The paved walkway they took was sided with trees that created an intimate archway.

"Once in a while. I've gotten to know a few of the regulars. We have a few drinks, play pool. You'll like it." Kirk led them to the small house that had been converted into a tavern of sorts, its front door propped open. Music filtered from inside as they walked onto the porch and entered. The human grabbed Spock's arm and pulled him over to a small table. "This looks good."

Spock surveyed the room with interest. A variety of men and woman, most of whom were obviously Terran, talked and laughed together while ostensibly playing billiards. _Pool_ , he corrected himself.

"What do you what to eat?" Kirk grabbed a couple of menus from the table and handed one to Spock.

Spock began to peruse the menu, and so was surprised when a feminine voice sounded next to him.

"Well, look who's here. It's been a while, Jim." The short blonde girl stood next to their table, her eyes alight with pleasure.

"Hi, Beth. How's it going?" Kirk manner was cool, even a trifle distant.

"It's okay. Where you been hiding yourself? After last time, I thought for sure you'd be back really soon." Beth tilted her head, eying first Kirk and then Spock. "Who's your friend?"

"I'm sorry. Beth, this is Spock. He's staying with us while on leave from Starfleet. Spock, Beth..."

"Connors. Nice to meet you, Spock." She nodded, and then returned her attention to Kirk. "Are you sticking around for a while?"

"Probably. I promised to show Spock how to play pool. We'll be here a few hours."

"Okay. I'll see you later then."

Spock watched the girl walk away, and then turned to his friend. "You did not seem pleased to see her."

Kirk shook his head. "She's all right. It's just some women think they own you after you go out with them once."

"It was not a pleasant experience?"

Kirk laughed. "Yeah, it was pleasant, I guess. There just wasn't anything else to it. You know how it is."

"No, I do not. Please, clarify."

"Haven't you ever been with someone, and then realized that even though you're attracted to them physically there's nothing underneath, nothing there to keep your interest?"

For the first time, Spock felt a moment of disquiet. "Vulcans do not 'be' with someone. There is only the one that calls to your mind, that completes you."

Kirk studied him for a time, as if weighing the information. "That sounds wonderful, but humans don't have the ability to see that right away. We have to get to know someone before we can tell."

"But you would wish to have that completeness?" Spock asked, desperately trying to hide his sudden uncertainty.

"Well, of course. Who wouldn't?" Kirk smiled. "Anyone who could give me that..."

Spock smiled back, and chastised himself for ever doubting his t'hy'la. He returned his attention to the menu, and after the waitress took their order they began a conversation that lasted through dinner. For whatever reason, they kept it to safe topics. Kirk spoke of his experiences at the academy, while Spock relayed some of the missions he had participated in during his short time on the _Enterprise._ Somehow both talked of things only in the past, as if unwilling to mention their still uncertain futures.

After they finished eating, they ambled over to one of the pool tables. Setting up the balls, Kirk began the lessons.

"I thought you said you'd never played before?" Kirk teased a short time later, while he took a swallow of his beer.

"I have not. But the knowledge of basic geometry is all that is needed to place the ball in the desired pocket." Spock leaned over and shot, the ball rolling across the table to disappear into the side pocket.

"Show off." Kirk leaned on his stick and watched as Spock proceeded to clear the table. "Come on. Let's stop for a bit. My ego can't take this." Sitting on one of the barstools placed in front of a narrow shelf attached to the wall, he motioned for another drink from the passing waitress.

Spock came over and sat beside him. Kirk was on his fourth beer, a fact Spock found disquieting. He had never seen the human inebriated before, and he wasn't sure he wanted to.

Kirk leaned back against the shelf, emptying his beer. His gaze seemed to wander the room before settling on Spock. "You having a good time?"

"Yes. I find great pleasure in your company." Spock saw the stillness that washed over Kirk with interest. Anticipation filled him as Kirk leaned forward and stared intently at him.

"I find great pleasure in your company, too. I wish," his hand came up and he stroked a finger down Spock's cheek, "I wish you didn't have to leave in a couple of weeks. We're just really getting to know each other."

Spock swallowed. "It does not have to end if you do not wish it to."

Kirk pulled back as the waitress reappeared with his drink. Absently paying her, he took a couple of hefty swallows and stood up. "I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

Kirk turned Spock around, pointing out the side door. "See that small building out there?"

Spock looked out past the deck built to the side of the tavern. A narrow sidewalk meandered down a path to a white stuccoed building.

"Yes."

"That's the lavatory." Kirk winked and started out the door, "Don't go 'way."

Where would he go? Spock sat down and watched the room's other occupants to pass the time. A young woman at the bar gyrated to the music while she waited for the bartender to serve her. In the corner a couple argued when the man appeared to not be paying enough attention to his partner, while at the next table three men laughed at the antics of the fourth as he attempted to gain the attention of a nearby female. It was all so fascinating. This was obviously a part of Kirk's life, this well-orchestrated search for sexual partners. He was sure it would be easily left behind after tonight.

Spock continued to scan the room until he saw Kirk walking back up the path.

Almost to the deck stairs, Kirk was intercepted by the young woman introduced to Spock earlier in the evening. Beth. She seemed to be trying to persuade him to go with her, her animated conversation almost audible. But Kirk pulled away, disengaging her arm from his. Whatever his friend said next angered her for she turned and stormed away, leaving Kirk alone. With a shrug, he made his way up the couple of stairs and reentered the building.

"Now, where were we?" Kirk threw an arm around Spock's shoulders.

"We were speaking of our time together, of our future."

Kirk leaned in closer, and pressed up against Spock's side. "I don't want to think about that. You know you can't stay here. But I want you to, so much."

"Jim, we should return to the house."

Kirk stared at him a moment. "Wait." He took his almost full glass and downed the contents. "Okay, let's go."

Spock maneuvered the slightly swaying human out the door and to their vehicle. After making sure Kirk was securely fastened in, Spock got behind the controls. He started it up, and carefully edged them out of the parking lot, taking his time to get them home. He had heard somewhere that fresh air could help dissipate the affects of alcohol, but it proved to be a fallacy. Kirk sat quietly but kept glancing over at Spock, an odd tenseness underlying the smile on his face.

They made the house without mishap, and Spock helped the human up the stairs to their room. Kirk stumbled slightly and fell onto his bed. He turned on his back and started pulling at his shoes, trying unsuccessfully to get them off.

"Let me assist you." Spock sat on the bed and began to help the human undress. After successfully divesting him of his shoes and pants, he pulled Kirk to a sitting position and started unbuttoning the flannel shirt.

Kirk watched him with slightly unfocused eyes. When Spock attempted to push the shirt down his arms, the human leaned into him and shrugged it off. With his arms now unencumbered, Kirk pulled himself close, smiling up at Spock. "You're so warm. You're like a furnace, my own private furnace."

Spock began to stroke the exposed flesh, sending shivers down the human's body. "I find the coolness of your skin pleasing."

Kirk moaned and brought his hand up to clutch a fistful of Spock's hair. He lifted his head so their faces were inches apart. "What have you done to me?" he whispered.

Spock didn't know, no more than he knew how to control the need that blossomed full grown as he waited the eternal seconds until the human pulled closer and pressed his lips against Spock's.

The floodgates opened, and with a deep moan Spock pushed the human down, covering the smaller body with his own as they devoured one another. Lips pressed harder as the kiss deepened, their hands exploring. When Kirk's hands slid under his tunic, Spock pulled back long enough to tear it over his head and slide out of the rest of his clothes before returning to the shattering experience of Kirk's kiss. Plunging his tongue deep into the human's mouth, he moaned over and over, driven beyond thought by his overpowering need and desire.

Kirk pushed up, grinding his loins into Spock's, the human's rigid cock pressing against his own. Spock clutched at his lover's hips, trying to get closer, wanting more. With an impatient cry, he left the sweetness of Kirk's mouth and started down the heaving chest.

"Spock, please, Spock." Kirk's voice was a desperate plea as Spock sucked at the taut nipples and ran his hands over the straining material at the human's crotch.

Spock lifted his head, trying to see in the darkness of the room as he worked at getting Kirk's briefs off. "You are so beautiful," He gasped out. "Surely there has never been one such as you." With a tug, he pulled Kirk's underwear down and off, and then pushing the human's legs apart, knelt between them. He bent down and took the throbbing cock into his mouth.

"Oh, god," Kirk keened out. He pressed his heels into the mattress and pushed, burying his cock deeper into Spock's mouth. His hands came down and tangled in Spock's hair as his hips slowly pistoned.

Spock sucked on the shaft as he continued his discovery of the human's body. The taste was salt and sweet, Kirk's smell deep in his nostrils as he buried his nose in the thatch of pubic hair. He brought his hands up to pinch at the erect buds on Kirk's chest, eliciting more cries from his lover.

"Oh, god, I'm going to come." Kirk strained against the hands that held him down, and pushed at Spock's head.

Grabbing Kirk's wrists, Spock released the engorged organ and moved up to lay on top of the writhing human, their cocks nestling against one another. Holding his upper body away from Kirk's, he pushed Kirk's arms out to his side, and began to undulate his lower body against the human's.

Slowly at first and then with gathering speed, he rubbed against Kirk, their cocks pressed between their bodies. Is this what his father had tried to keep him from? This all encompassing fire that consumed his universe? It was more than he could ever have imagined, the sweet agony of desire that drove him toward Kirk. His mind and body cried for possession of the human, and he could feel their budding link shimmer between them as it tightened its hold.

Spock's head was spinning, and he gasped out his pleasure, his cock full and heavy against Kirk's. He couldn't get enough of this hot intoxication, this need so great it was burning him up alive. The human was almost sobbing beneath him, saying his name over and over, has hands clawing at Spock's back and buttock.

Spock pumped harder, faster, his head thrown back in a portrait of wanton desire, his hands clenched in the sheets above Kirk's shoulders. He felt the tide building inside him, the orgasmic explosion coming closer and closer, until with a loud groan he froze, ejaculating his hot seed onto Kirk's stomach. It was too much for the human. He cried out and came, his semen spilling out to mix with Spock's.

He slumped down, his body covering that of his lover's, and there was only the sound of harsh breath to break the silence of the night. Spock knew when the human slipped into sleep and, pulling the covers up, followed him.

^^^^^

Dark tendrils of thought invaded his sleep, marring his quiet contentment. Spock came awake with a start. He looked down into eyes that refused to meet his.

"Jim?"

"Get off me."

Kirk's voice was controlled, but Spock could feel how rigidly he held himself. He rolled off, and the human quickly got up.

The evidence of their shared passion lay dried on Kirk's stomach. The human touched it only to pull his hand back as if it had been burned. He stared at Spock for a moment, and then turned and made his way to the bathroom, the door closing firmly behind him.

Spock remained on the bed, stunned into immobility. What had he done wrong? The anger pouring through the link had forced him to slam his mental shields into place, but by doing so he had effectively cut off any perceptions he might have garnered from the contact. He realized there were huge gaps in his understanding of human relationships, but Kirk had been receptive to their sexual joining. He had sensed it in the human's mind as their bodies had come together. Kirk's desire had rivaled his own. He waited, hoping that his friend would be willing to discuss the situation. But when Kirk finally reappeared, he didn't even look at Spock.

"I'm finished in there if you want to shower now. I'll be downstairs, seeing to breakfast." He was through the room and out the door before Spock could respond.

The Vulcan grabbed his clothes and walked into the bathroom. The room was still steamy from the human's shower, but Spock felt cold nevertheless. He stepped into the stall and set the water as hot as it would go, but he couldn't dispel the chill that had settled into his soul.

Fifteen minutes later when he went downstairs, Kirk was gone.

^^^^^

Spock sat in the front room, his back to the fire burning in the grate. It had been ten point three hours since his friend, his lover, had left. He wondered at his ability to control so well. Truly, the training of his youth was standing him in good stead. After the first crush of pain, almost physical in its intensity, a calm had settled over him. Obviously there had been a misunderstanding, one that would be summarily cleared up as soon as Kirk came back...which would be any moment now he was sure. Spock watched through the window as the sky darkened to night.

Should he remain here, or go to their room? After only a moment's thought, he decided to wait downstairs. He didn't think he could tolerate staying in that room alone. He did not wish to test just how far his controls would hold. He kept his vigil through the night, neither eating nor sleeping. At one point he thought Kirk had returned, but it turned out to be a neighbor driving by on his way home.

With the return of the sun, Spock got up and went upstairs. He donned his uniform, hanging unused in the closet since that day over four weeks before when he had come into this house and met his future. He returned downstairs and took his place once more.

"Here, let me help you with that."

The sound of Kirk's voice brought Spock out of his light meditation, and he rose from the floor just as the front door opened. Sam and Aurelan walked in, Sam's arm around his wife as she cradled their newborn son. Behind them, Kirk carried the two small valises they had taken with them to the hospital while Michael brought up the rear, dragging his own small satchel.

"Spock! Come welcome Brian Nathaniel home." Aurelan motioned him over, her gaze returning to the small bundle in her arms.

He walked over and looked at the small human. He hadn't got that good a look at the child while still at the hospital, and up close it didn't look quite real. Tiny and bald, he reminded Spock of the strange little dolls that had hung next to the stuffed animals at the carnival. "Kewpie dolls," if he remembered correctly. Vulcan babies were all born with a full head of hair. It crossed his mind to wonder what Kirk had looked like, and when he looked up it was to see the object of his thoughts looking warily back. Spock pulled his gaze away, focusing on Aurelan. "He is beautiful, Aurelan. You should be very proud."

"I think so. I'm sorry you couldn't come with Jim this morning. I guess it would have been pretty crowded in the 'car."

"I told Jim we could have managed. But you know my brother," Sam interjected. "Come on, Aurelan. Let's get this little guy upstairs."

The couple started up, cooing at their latest edition while their older son followed up behind them, loudly insisting on being given a chance to hold his new brother.

Left alone the two men stood silently in the foyer, Spock with his hands clasped behind him, Kirk with his eyes locked firmly on the floor.

"Why did you leave?" Spock finally spoke.

"I...I needed to think." Kirk looked up. "We need to talk."

"I agree." He cleared his throat, "Perhaps your room..."

Kirk nodded and they proceeded to the loft. It was exactly as they had left it the morning before. Kirk's bed was unmade, the signs of their lovemaking still evident. The human blanched and turned away to stare out the window. Spock came up next to him and laid his hand on Kirk's shoulder.

"Don't." Kirk shrugged the hand off.

"Why are you behaving in this manner? What have I done?"

"It's not you...it's me. Listen, it's no good, Spock." The human shook his head and brought a hand up to rub his brow. "What...what happened the other night...you need to forget about it. Things just got out of hand."

"Forget? How am I to forget?"

"You just do. It's not like we're committed or anything."

"Are we not?" He couldn't believe this was happening. One did not reject one's t'hy'la. What was Kirk doing?

"No, we're not. You're reading too much into what happened."

"Jim..." He started forward, but stilled at the memory of Kirk's withdrawal, "What of us?"

"Don't you understand? There is no us. It was a mistake. I was drunk—"

"No! Do not pretend that it was something you did not desire." Spock grabbed Kirk by the arm, spinning his around. "I know what you felt."

"No, you don't. I don't even know." The human glared at him, but Spock was past caring.

"I will not allow you to do this."

"It's done. There's no point in arguing about it. And...and I think it'd be better for all concerned if you went back to the hotel."

Spock's hand pulled away as if he'd been stung, "You wish me to leave?"

"Yes, I do." Kirk's body was trembling, but there was no denying the unbending determination behind his pronouncement.

It was a Herculean effort, but somehow Spock managed to turn and walk to the bureau, gathering up his valises from the foot of the bed as he went by. He carefully packed his possessions, and without a backwards glance walked out of the room.

^^^^^

"Welcome aboard, Lieutenant Sp—"

The young man's voice froze as Spock stepped off the transporter platform and made his way to the door and out the room without a word. He walked swiftly down the corridors of the ship, wanting only to get to his cabin without meeting another living soul. He made the turbo and voiced his command. Relief swept over him when the doors closed and he was once more alone. At deck five, he exited and made directly for his cabin.

The cabin was as it had been six weeks before, everything in its proper place, the bed neatly made. He walked over to the closet and began to empty out a valise. He brought his hand up to place his robe on the hook inside and realized that it was shaking, his fist clenched tightly around the garment.

"No!" Spock threw the robe down and spun toward the bed. He sat and buried his head in his hands. His chest hurt as he fought to keep inside the pain fighting to come out, the pain he had wrestled with for the last week, ever since leaving the Vega colony.

A sob tore from his throat, and he clamped his hand firmly over his mouth as he bent over to stifle the betraying sound. He felt lost and so very afraid. How did one deal with this? This agony that followed him like a shadow?

When he had finally reached his hotel, his first thought was to put as much distance between himself and Kirk as he possibly could. He wasted little time, discovering that movement kept the pain at bay and that he could function normally as long as he did not think of it. He had placed a call to Starfleet, and using every ounce of logic at his command had badgered a seat on the next ship leaving the planet.

His journey now seemed dreamlike, as he held himself together by sheer force of will. Taken to a nearby starbase, he had waited out the rest of his leave in isolation, trying desperately to restore his tattered controls and find some way of cutting off his link to Kirk. Nothing had worked.

Now alone in his darkened cabin, he knew what he had to do. He had failed in his attempt to allow his human half full rein, failed because what he wanted was wrong, at least for him. From now on he would be Vulcan, _all_ Vulcan. Straightening up, he stood and walked over to the meditation statue. He lit the incense still held within its body and knelt down. He would forever bury his human half and all the pain that went with it. Forget the life that had almost been his. Not for him the joy of possessing his other half. He knew it would take time, but he had all the time in the world now. He had the rest of his life.

^^^^^

The days seemed longer somehow, as illogical as that sounded. The nights longer still. Yet Spock continued as he had before, his duty his top priority and his salvation. As time went by, he began to take a certain amount of pride in the fact that no one seemed to notice any difference in him. The fact that he had never been close to any of the crew could have anything to do with it did not occur to him. Each day was like the one before, and he had come to think that the pain would be forever his secret when he was summoned to his captain's quarters.

"Come."

Spock stepped into Pike's cabin and stood at attention. "You asked to see me, sir?"

"At ease, Lieutenant. Have a seat." Pike motioned to the chair across from him. The older man sat at his desk, a look of concern marring his handsome face.

Spock hesitated a moment, but then took the offered seat. He shifted nervously in the silence before finally looking up in question.

Pike leaned forward, resting his arms on his desk. "Is something bothering you, Spock?"

"No, Captain. Has there been a complaint against me or my work?"

"No, nothing like that. It's just that I've noticed a difference in you."

"Difference, Captain?" Spock tried to keep his voice neutral.

"Yeah." Pike leaned back, studying Spock. "You've clammed up again, like when you first came on board. What's happened?"

"Nothing has happened, sir."

"Don't give me that. Come on, Spock. I'm trying to help you here. Something must have happened. You've changed...a lot. Ever since you got back from shore leave. Is that it? Did something happen on the Vega colony?"

Spock sat up rigidly, slamming his controls in place. "Nothing has happened. Nothing has changed. I am as I have always been." He looked down at his lap and was surprised to see his hands clenched tightly together. It took all his effort to relax them.

Pike sighed. "So that's the way you're going to play it? I can't force you to tell me, Spock. But if you think for a minute that you're fooling anyone with this act of yours, you've got another thought coming."

"I do not know to what you refer. I have performed my duties to the best of my abilities, there is no reason—"

"I'm not talking about your duties, and you know it!" Pike got up to come around the desk and glared down at Spock. "What the hell is going on with you? Two months ago you left here just starting to learn about yourself, your human half. But you come back, and it's like that person doesn't even exist anymore. _Something_ happened. Did someone hurt you somehow?"

"Captain," Spock stood up, "whatever happened on the Vega colony is done. It has no relevance to my life aboard this ship. I am Vulcan. I will act as a Vulcan should act. If that is not satisfactory to you, I will transfer at the first possible opportunity."

"You know that's not what I want. I'm trying to help you, man. Can't you see that?"

"Will that be all, Captain?" Spock asked, his gaze steady. Even in this he had erred. Pike had been a mentor, as close to a friend as Spock had. This too, must change.

"Yeah, get out of here." Pike watched him as he turned and headed for the door. "Spock?"

"Yes, sir?" He stopped, but did not turn around.

"Whatever it was, it isn't worth closing yourself off to life. Nothing is worth that. If you ever want to talk about it, I'll be here. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I understand, Captain." He looked back for a moment. "Good night, sir."

"Good night, Spock."

The doors slid closed behind him and he headed for his cabin. It would be the last personal conversation he would ever have with the man he would serve for the next ten and a half years.

^^^^^

Over the years, Spock mastered the habit of not thinking of James Kirk. He threw himself into his work with a single-mindedness that was only surpassed by his ruthless suppression of emotions. Though it had been hard at first, he found that time did lessen the ache of his loss, and the stunted link gave him no trouble.

Only once had anything upset the delicate balance between Spock's control and the tender wound from what might have been. It was almost three years later, and he was on Starbase eleven after a meeting between Pike's bridge officers and the base commander. Spock had elected to go to a nearby restaurant for lunch rather than return immediately to the ship. As he perused the menu he caught part of the conversation at the next table between two young women, and the mention of Kirk's name had brought all his attention to bear.

"Jim Kirk is really something. There's nothing like being wined and dined by a guy who knows what he's doing," the blonde woman said, her back to Spock.

"Yeah, I see him every now and then in the rec room. But I thought he didn't mess with the crew," her companion responded.

"No, my dear. As long as he doesn't outrank you, you're fair game. He isn't called James T. for 'Tomcat' Kirk for nothing," she giggled.

Spock didn't wait to hear anymore.

Later, alone in his cabin, his control regained, he began to wonder if he had imagined the affinity and love he had shared with Kirk. After much time and study he had come to understood how he had so mistaken Kirk's words and actions. He had rendered them the meaning only another Vulcan would understand. Kirk had not meant for him to think that he was giving himself solely to Spock. Had he misunderstood so badly the other man's feelings as well? That being the case, had he misconstrued even Kirk's affection for him? Had _anything_ ever existed between them?

After that he would frequently hear of Kirk's exploits and his meteoric rise through the ranks...along with his growing reputation as a womanizer. Obviously the draw of that other life had proven too strong. The shame Spock felt at these times was only a little less than the relief that no one would ever know of the mistake he had almost made. And if it became his habit to call up the young man's files, it was only to ascertain his continued health and well-being, nothing more. The walls he had built around his soul held, and nothing and no one ever breached his impenetrable barriers.

When Gary Mitchell came aboard, Spock took the opportunity to study the human Kirk had mentioned more than once. He remembered everything Kirk had told him of his "good friend and drinking buddy." It was only logical that he ascertain if he would have a problem working with the man.

At the first opportunity, he sought out their new navigator. He found Mitchell in the rec room, surrounded by a group of young men and women. The man was the obvious center of attention, and Spock realized that the human was using his not inconsiderable charm to curry sexual favors from one of the ensigns. The young girl worked in Spock's department and was known to be easily swayed.

He continued to study the man for the next two point eight hours. The opinion he came to was not flattering to the new officer, but Spock realized that working with him, though far from pleasant, would not be a problem. He rose and left the room, certain that the habit of multiple and frequent sex partners Mitchell obviously shared with Kirk had been the basis of the two men's friendship.

^^^^^

Pike sat at the head of the table, his chief officers seated all around. Number One sat to his right, her face blank and giving nothing away. She had been an excellent model for Spock, and he felt a certain gratitude toward the woman. As science officer, he had many opportunities to learn as he worked side-by-side with the stoic human.

When the rustling died down, Pike stood up.

"I've called you all together to inform you of a decision I've recently made. Most of you have served under me for many years, and I want you to know that I will be forever grateful for the outstanding job each and every one of you has done."

Pike took a deep breath, looking down for a moment before going on. "But I find that I'm ready for a change, ready to take on other responsibilities. Therefore, I've decided to take the promotion to Fleet captain effective as soon as we reach Starbase Six."

There was a murmur of protest, quickly halted by Pike. "My decision is final. Your new captain is waiting there. I hope you can give him the same loyalty that you've always given me."

"Captain, do you know who it is?" Mr. Scott, the _Enterprise's_ chief engineer asked.

"Yes, I do. His name is James T. Kirk. I'm sure some of you have heard of him."

Pike continued talking, but Spock heard none of it. His world narrowed down as he stared unseeing at his hands resting on the table. So, they would serve together after all. With deliberate slowness he pulled his hands to his lap, his facade unbroken. He ignored the shiver that coursed through him. It was only the unexpectedness of it all that caused his body's momentary betrayal at the memories recalled. Any feelings he may have once felt for James Kirk were dead and buried, and with each breath he build his shields higher, stronger. Finally, when he felt once more in complete control, he looked back at Pike.

"Any other questions?" Pike asked.

"Sir, are you taking any of your officers with you?" Sulu, a physicist who worked under Spock spoke up.

"Actually, I am. Number One and Dr. Boyce have elected to go with me. Number One as my exec, Boyce as my personal physician."

"Will transfers by made available for those of us that might wish to leave the ship?" Spock asked quietly.

Pike gave him an odd look. "I'd prefer that anyone who really wants to leave wait until Kirk's been with the ship at least a little while. I know this is going to take some getting used to. We've all been together for a lot of years. But you need to give the man a chance."

There were a few more questions that the captain answered as best as he could. When no more were forthcoming, Pike dismissed them and left with Number One and Dr. Boyce in tow.

"This is great!" Mitchell stood up, rubbing his hands together in undisguised glee. "Me and Jim Kirk, together again. Watch out ladies, here we come!"

"You know him, Gary?" Sulu asked.

"Yeah, we were at the academy at the same time, and then served on the _Republic_ together. I can't wait for him to get here. It'll be like old times. No woman between here and the Neutral Zone will be safe."

"He'll be your captain, lad," Scott cut in. "Things canna be the same between ye, now."

"Sure they can. Jim's not like Pike. He likes to come down out of the clouds once in a while and rub elbows with the rest of us."

"There's nothing wrong with the way Captain Pike runs the ship," Kelso, the ship's helmsman spoke up.

"I'm not saying there is, Lee. I'm just saying that Kirk's more accessible. You'll see. If you thought it was great serving on the _Enterprise_ before... Come on, I'll fill you in over a drink." The two men headed out, Mitchell already recounting one of their adventures.

With the meeting over everyone else filtered out of the room, until Spock sat alone. He didn't know why he had asked about the transfer. He didn't want to leave the _Enterprise._ It was in the truest sense, his home. He would not give it up because of a mistake he had made so many years before. He was Vulcan. Kirk could not hurt him. He stood up and made his way to the bridge.

^^^^^

"Welcome aboard, Captain Kirk," Mitchell grinned as he walked up to the new captain of the _Enterprise._

"Thanks, Gary." Kirk looked around at his other officers, his gaze sliding over the other men until it came to rest on Spock. He looked at him for several seconds before looking away to be introduced to the rest of his officers.

Spock stood at attention, his eyes never leaving Kirk. It was a test, a test he felt he could easily pass. This man was now his captain, and if Kirk's boyish beauty had matured to a devastating masculinity, it had no effect on him. He was no longer capable of such feelings.

So when Kirk asked him to give him a tour of the ship, Spock walked over without a flicker of emotion, and with a nod of his head followed his new captain out of the room.

They were almost finished with the tour, Spock having shown Kirk every area of the ship he felt necessary, when Kirk finally spoke up. They were standing on the observation deck, the blackness of space surrounding them.

"It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

"Ten years, eight months." Spock gaze never wavered, and the tone of his voice was even and devoid of emotion.

Kirk looked out into space. "Are we going to be able to work together, Spock?"

"I see no reason why we cannot."

"You don't? Then why are you acting the way you are?"

"I am not 'acting' in any way out of the ordinary."

"Aren't you? I don't remember you being like this...so cold."

Spock looked down and locked his hands behind his back. "May I speak freely, sir? Off the record?"

Kirk turned and studied him before answering warily, "Go ahead."

Spock looked directly into Kirk's eyes. "You are proceeding under a false assumption. You believe me to be as you knew me in the past. I am no longer the same person. When I returned to the _Enterprise,_ I made the decision to be Vulcan...only Vulcan. I am now as you see me."

"What? You feel nothing? I don't believe that."

"Believe what you will. But you need not concern yourself with any thought that what was between us then will be a problem now. I am no longer capable of the feelings that caused the initial...difficulty between us. You are my captain. I give you my loyalty as I would any commanding officer. I believe you will find my services as science officer more than adequate. But if you feel that you are unable to work with me, I will transfer to-"

"No! I don't want you to transfer!" Kirk turned away, his fists clenched at his side. He took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before slowly releasing it. "No. Please. I'm sure we can work something out." He turned to Spock, his voice filled with an unexpected sorrow. "I know now that we...that you don't want my friendship. I can accept that. If you can handle us being on the same ship, working side by side, then I guess I can, too."

"I will have no problem with such an arrangement."

Kirk grimaced. "Very well, Mr. Spock. You're dismissed. I can see my way to my cabin on my own."

"Very well, sir." Spock nodded briefly, and walked out of the room. He did not know what it was Kirk wanted from him, but it was more than likely something he could not give. He had embraced the ways of his father, and there was no going back. After so long, he was sure he was incapable of experiencing any of feelings that had once been all he ever wanted.

^^^^^

Within weeks, Spock and Kirk fell into a working pattern that on the surface was smooth and untroubled. But it belied the tension Spock felt radiating from his captain whenever they were alone together. After Mitchell's death, Kirk seemed to call on him more and more, as if weaving a web of interdependency between them.

Spock was pleased to see that his mental shields built over the intervening years held firm. He and Kirk were partners in the running of the ship, an efficient command team, but that was all they were. It was only after his controls were left in ruins by the Psi 2000 virus that he realized the danger he had unknowingly left himself open to.

"Come."

Spock walked nervously into his captain's quarters. He had been here several times before, but somehow this time seemed vastly different. He felt at a disadvantage, in unknown territory. "You wished to see me, sir?"

"We need to talk." Kirk was standing next to the divider that separated his quarters, a drink in his hand. He looked over at Spock and motioned him to the chair next to his desk. "Have a seat."

Spock sat down, warily eyeing his captain. "What is it you wish to discuss?"

The human turned and glared at him. "You know damn well what I want to discuss." He ran a hand through his hair. "Why do you have to make everything so difficult?"

"I do not know what you are referring to, Captain. I have performed my duties to the best of my abilities and-"

"Shut up, Spock. Just shut up and listen." Kirk walked over, taking the chair behind the desk. "I want you to know something. Something I've wanted to tell you for a long time." He played with the drink in his hand, and gazed at the liquid swirling around in his glass. Finally he put it down and looked intently at Spock. "I went looking for you, you know."

"Looking for me? When?" Spock asked, perplexed.

"After I sent you away." Kirk lowered his head, "I went after you, but you were already gone."

Spock was momentarily stunned, "I do not know what you wish me to say."

"You don't have to say anything. Today, when you said that you were ashamed of feeling friendship for me, god, I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I know I hurt you that day. I guess I never realized until this morning just how much I hurt you."

"It is done, and no longer of any consequence."

Kirk looked up. "Then why are you ashamed of what you feel for me? Spock, I need to tell you something. I had never felt anything like I did that night with you. And for me to feel that way was bad enough. But for me to feel that way about another man... It scared me. And I admit, I overreacted. I didn't know that about myself, that I could respond to another male. But if I overreacted, so did you. It took me a while to sort it all out, but I did sort it out. Trouble is, by the time I got to your hotel room that night you were already gone. Why? Why couldn't you have stayed and, I don't know, at least given me the opportunity to come to grips with what was happening between us?"

"Why would I have thought that you would change your mind? I did not understand the workings of my own emotional responses. How could you expect me to understand yours? Obviously I did not, or I would never have attempted what I did. You led me to believe that you understood the ways of Vulcan, the bonding of two warriors in an eternal partnership."

"I don't understand. How did I do that?"

"You implied a knowledge of bondmates when you spoke of your teacher and his companion. You professed envy of their closeness, of their 'connection'. And later, you called me _your_ Vulcan companion."

"You thought that because I called you my Vulcan companion?" Kirk asked incredulously.

Spock shook his head. "No, not because of that alone. When you allowed the link to grow, I erroneously assumed that you understood that it was a precursor to a bond such as your instructor had."

"I didn't know it meant they were linked, much less bonded. Not then, anyway. I thought they were just really close friends. Later, after I took the time to find out, I realized that must have been the situation." He remained quiet for a moment, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I would do anything if I could do it all over, but I can't. What I want to know is, what about now?"

"What about now?" Spock asked, his eyebrows on the rise.

"You feel friendship for me, don't you? You said you did."

"Captain, I see no reason for this line of inquiry."

"Just humor me, okay? Do you feel friendship for me, yes or no?"

"I...yes."

Kirk smiled. "Then we'll start from there."

Spock sighed. "Captain, what you desire is no longer possible."

"What? We can't be friends? Why not?"

"I do not know if I am capable of the feelings you wish me to have. The friendship can never be what it once was. I am sorry."

"I'm not asking for the moon, Spock. I wouldn't deserve it anyway. But I want you as a friend. I need you to be. Can't you at least try?"

He looked down, trying to fight a battle that was already lost. Finally, he nodded his head. "Very well, Captain. I will try."

^^^^^

It was easier than Spock thought it would be. Perhaps, too easy. As time went by he and Kirk settled into a pattern of leaving the bridge together for dinner, and then usually a night of chess or conversation. Sometimes they were joined by McCoy, the three men going over the day's work or anything that had caught their interest.

"What you looking at, Jim?" McCoy asked, as he pulled out the chair across from his captain. He and Spock had reached the mess at the same time, and both had headed for their usual table.

"Some pictures from Sam." Kirk continued to study the photos in his hand. There was an envelope and a letter Kirk absent-mindedly pushed to the side to make room for the two men. His own dinner sat, half eaten.

"How's he doing, anyway?" McCoy asked while starting his meal.

"Good, he's doing good." Kirk eyes slid over to Spock, who had started at Sam's name.

"Nice to hear. I thought you mentioned seeing him when we picked up Chapel."

"She settling in okay, Bones? No problems?"

"None so far. But she really is selling herself short staying on this tub as a nurse." McCoy brought his hands up to stop Kirk's objection. "It's not that serving aboard the _Enterprise_ isn't a great posting. But, Jim, she really has potential as a doctor. The kind of training she missed out on, well, she's not going to get it here."

"Perhaps not, Doctor. But it was her decision to stay," Spock said.

"I know that, Spock. It's just a shame, that's all." McCoy returned to his meal, seemingly unaware of the tension that had surfaced between his two friends. He continued making small-talk with them, pulling grudgingly given responses from Spock.

"What the hell's the matter with you today?" McCoy finally asked. "You're touchier than a prima donna."

"There is nothing wrong. I merely find your constant need for conversation during meals somewhat annoying."

"Annoying? Why you—"

"Gentlemen, gentlemen, that's enough. I'd prefer a nice, soothing meal, if you don't mind?" Kirk gave both an exasperated look.

"I gotta get going, anyway." McCoy picked up his tray and stood up. "I'll see you later, Jim."

Kirk watched the doctor leave and then turned to Spock. "That was uncalled for, you know. He doesn't know what happened."

Spock pressed his lips together, ashamed of the lack of control. The mention of Kirk's family had taken him unaware, and he had reacted to McCoy instead of dealing with the situation that was causing his distress. "I regret the outburst."

"It was because of these, wasn't it?" Kirk picked up the three pictures and handed them to Spock.

He took them almost reluctantly. Looking at them was asking for undue pain, but somehow he was unable to refuse. The first was of Sam and Aurelan. They were standing together in front of a restaurant near a pier. Aurelan's hair was windblown and she was smiling. The second, taken at the same time, showed Sam and Jim with their arms draped around each other's shoulders. At the third, he almost caught his breath. Sam and Aurelan stood surrounded by three young boys. The smallest, a solemn looking redhead of not more than seven or eight, stood between his parents clutching his father's hand. But it was the other two who drew Spock's attention. To Aurelan's right was a dark-haired boy of eleven years. Brian Nathaniel, the newborn he had only seen that one long ago day. Not quite as tall as Aurelan, he was stockily built and had a wide smile on his face that matched his mother's.

And then there was Michael. Standing to his father's left, he almost reached him in height. The sandy-colored hair, so reminiscent of his uncle's, framed a younger image of that same man. Spock's fingers almost reverently touched the image, as he remembered the small boy who had stolen his heart.

"He is much grown." Spock voice almost caught, and he cleared his throat.

"Yeah, he is. I think he's going to be taller than me or Sam. Aurelan's two brothers are pretty big. Must be where he gets it." Kirk hesitated. "Michael asked about you."

Spock looked up in surprise. "Indeed?"

"Yeah. The way he talked, I could almost believe he thinks you're my first officer because of the deal you made with him. You remember, don't you?"

"I remember." Spock handed the pictures back. "I am needed in the science lab. If you will excuse me..." He rose, stiff and withdrawn.

Kirk sighed and put the pictures in the envelope. "Very well, Mr. Spock. I'll see you later on the bridge."

With a brief nod, Spock picked up his tray and walked away.

^^^^^

The incident remained with him over the next weeks. He tried to relegate the feelings the pictures had stirred to their proper place, to the past where they belonged. Eventually he had believed he succeeded. But the unsettling discovers of today had Spock kneeling in front of the meditation statue trying to bring some order to his thoughts, the thoughts that inevitably turned to his captain.

They had continued their wary dance of advance and retreat, Kirk seemingly content with the level of friendship Spock afforded him, but events had shown Spock that their connection was still strong.

It had been with some relief on Spock's part that they had settled into the twilight world of "buddies", as McCoy was prone to call them. More than acquaintances, but less than true friends, such a relationship should have given both men time to deal with the past. But often, as was the case today, Spock felt that he was not dealing with the situation effectively, allowing Kirk a leeway that could prove dangerous.

Kirk's behavior towards the actor, Koridian, had momentarily broken through Spock's reserve. He had been actively concerned for his captain. And once he had found out the role Kodos had played in the life of the young James Kirk, the horror of such a young boy being witness to so much death, he had been unable to distance himself from the whole affair. If Spock could not condone the matter of the man's death, neither could he regret it.

He sighed, realizing that he had once again fallen into the familiar pattern. Once again attempting to rid himself of memories best forgotten, only to find that that was all he _could_ remember. Getting to his feet, he heard the soft moans issuing from the next cabin. He listened, unsure of what to do. He did not believe that Kirk would appreciate his concern, would in fact be embarrassed by the solicitude. He had decided to just go to bed when the cry of fright took him through the connecting bathroom.

Kirk was tangled in his sheets, thrashing about in the grip of an unseen enemy. Spock hesitated only a second before going to the bed, grabbing the human's shoulders and pulling him to a seated position.

"Captain. Captain, wake up." He sat down on the bed, and watched as reality gained hold of the man.

Kirk shuddered, his head dropping down onto his heaving chest. They both sat for the few moments it took for the human to gather himself. "I'm okay, now. Thanks, Spock."

Spock's hands slid down, coming to rest on his lap. "This was the cause...before."

"Yes." The human brought his hand to brush across his forehead. "Tarsus has been with me for a long time." He finally looked up. "And again, you're here to help me through it. I guess some things never change."

"Much has changed." Spock tensed slightly.

"No. No it hasn't." Kirk looked at him, as if trying to see through a barrier. "Some things can't be changed, no matter how hard we try."

"Perhaps I should go." Spock started to rise but was stopped by the human's hand coming to rest on his arm.

"Don't, not yet. Please."

"Captain—"

"Spock, I'm not asking for anything you don't want to give." He pulled his hand away. "Why did you come?"

"I heard you. You were in distress."

"So? A dream can't hurt me."

Spock cocked his head, "Can't it?"

Kirk sighed. "All right, Mr. Spock. You can go."

Spock stood up, but then found himself unable to go any further.

"What?" The human looked up at him.

"I do not wish you to be revisited by your dream. I—" He looked down at his hands, clenched together before him.

"Spock?" Kirk touched his hands and waited for Spock to look at him. "Thank you."

"I do not understand."

Kirk smiled at him, and Spock realized at that moment how much he had longed to see that smile again.

"For safeguarding my dreams."

Spock gave him a puzzled look, but Kirk only laughed, that lighthearted laugh that had been Spock's undoing from the very first.

"Never mind, Mr. Spock. I'll see you in the morning." Kirk settled back in his bed, a small smile still playing across his face.

"Very well, Captain, Good night, sir." Spock turned and retraced his steps to their shared bathroom. As he made his own room, before the connecting doors could close, he heard his captain's voice filter through.

"Yes, it's a very good night, Mr. Spock."

^^^^^

Spock knew he had lost ground that night. That somehow the human, in that insidious way of his, had further breached the walls fortifying Spock's soul. This battle of wills could not go on. He needed to find some way of making Kirk realize that what he was trying to do would not succeed. There was no place in Spock's life for the emotional attachment Kirk was obviously trying to establish with him.

His resolved strengthened, Spock began to walk a narrow path. He continued to accompany Kirk to dinner, he continued to play chess with his captain. But he bolted his feelings down, so that no sign of what he had once felt would reappear, giving the human false hope.

But Kirk was oblivious. No matter what Spock did, the human continued his relentless attacks. Even when Spock stole the ship and kidnapped his former captain, bringing them both perilously close to imprisonment or death, Kirk barely batted an eye. But then Kirk was taken and made to fight the Gorn.

"Come."

Spock walked into his captain's quarters, the latest log update ready for Kirk's perusal. He laid the comslate on the desk, watching as Kirk struggled with his shirt.

"May I be of assistance, Captain?"

Kirk finally got the garment over his head, and grimaced in pain as he pulled the shirt the rest of the way off. "No, I've got it." He reached for his robe and slowly worked it on.

"Have you been to see the doctor?" Spock was dismayed by the bruises covering Kirk's chest and back. Though he had been witness to Kirk's battle on that barren planet, he had not seen the damage done to the human's body.

Kirk looked up at him. "Don't start, okay, Spock?" He settled into the chair at his desk and grabbed the slate.

"Captain, need I remind you—"

"I'm all right!" Kirk slammed the slate down, his hands clenching into fists. "If there isn't anything else, Mr. Spock..."

"I..I was merely concerned."

"Why? You don't feel anything for me. Why should you be concerned over a few bruises?" Kirk brought his hands up and ran them through his hair, grabbing a handful and holding on. "I'm tired, Spock. So I'm just not up to our usual games tonight, okay?"

"Games, Captain? I do not understand what you are referring to. I do not play games...about anything." For the first time, the anger that Spock had thought long dealt with reared its head.

Kirk looked up at him. "You're never going to forgive me, are you?"

"There is nothing to forgive. We both made an error in judgment—"

"Don't." Kirk's eyes were large, filled with pain and fatigue. "Don't ever say that. It wasn't an error in judgment, not on my part, anyway. I told you why I reacted the way I did, that I was afraid of what my feelings for you meant. I even told you that by the next day I wanted you back. I've paid for my hesitation in more ways than you can imagine. Why isn't that enough? Why can't you let it go?"

"I do not know." Spock looked away. Shocked, he realized it was true; he didn't know why he had never been able to let what had happened between them die. He had tried so hard, and had been so sure that he had succeeded. But time and again Kirk pulled responses from him that no one else had ever been able to.

"I don't think I ever stopped loving you, Spock. Though god knows, I tried." Kirk's whispered words hung between them. "The women. I'm sure you heard about all the women. In all those beds I looked for you, but you weren't there. After a while, neither was I. Oh, I'd go through the motions, it was habit by then. An easy way to satisfy my body's cravings...but not my heart's."

Spock closed his eyes for a moment, remembering the first time he had heard that hideous moniker made from Kirk's middle initial, and the denied pain that had sent him fleeing to his cabin, his control in tatters. He finally turned and looked at Kirk. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"Why? Because I think we could still make something together, if you'd let us. It's not too late, not if you still—"

"I do not," Spock abruptly answered.

"Oh." The human swallowed, and cleared his throat. "Do you want a transfer? I don't want you to, but if you can't put this behind you..." Kirk's voice was steady, but Spock could feel the fear radiating from the man.

"I do not wish to transfer, Captain. This...history between us has never interfered with our workings as a command team. There is no reason why it should start now."

"History. Good choice of words, Mr. Spock." Kirk smiled sadly, and then stood up. "I'll see Bones in the morning. Right now I need a good night's sleep more than anything else." He looked at Spock as if seeing him for the last time. "Good night, First Officer."

"Good night, Captain." Spock turned and walked out.

^^^^^

The conversation that night, and Spock's admission that he still held felt aggrieved, did not stop Kirk from expressing concern for his first officer. And if at times Spock caught an odd look from his captain or a flash of sadness that marred the hazel eyes, Kirk still appeared the friend, still went out of his way to keep Spock at his side. Until the day that Spock spoke the words whose effect nothing could undo.

"For the first time, I was happy."

The look on Kirk's face as Spock explained his behavior on Omicron Ceti Three sent a thrill of, what? Satisfaction? through Spock.

Kirk turned away, and only Spock seemed to notice how rigidly he held himself, his jaw clenched. Spock nodded his head and moved to his station.

"Secure to leave orbit, sir." The young lieutenant at the helm reported.

When Kirk didn't answer, Spock walked back to the center chair. "Sir?"

The captain slowly swung around towards him, a look between confusion and despair on his face. "Lay in a course for Starbase Two, Lieutenant. Warp factor two."

Neither spoke, and after a moment Kirk's gaze returned to the main screen. Awkwardly, Spock withdrew.

When their shift was almost over, Kirk handed the bridge over to him and left.

Ten minutes later, Spock followed suit. He headed for the mess-hall where he, Kirk and McCoy habitually met for dinner. He entered and proceeded to the food processors. His selection made, he started toward the captain's table.

"Where is the captain?" Spock placed his tray on the table and took the seat across from McCoy.

The doctor put aside the comslate he was reading. "Been here and gone. Said he had a ton of paperwork to catch up on and took his dinner to his room."

"That is odd. He is usually quite disciplined about keeping up."

McCoy shrugged. "It happens. Not everyone can be like Vulcans, Spock. He'll probably be at it all night and all caught up by morning. He's off shift tomorrow anyway."

Spock didn't respond. It was not unknown for Kirk to fall behind. Surely, that was all it was.

"But he did seem kind of...I wouldn't say upset, exactly," McCoy mused.

"What exactly would you say?" He almost kept the annoyance out of his voice.

The doctor scowled. "Damn it, Spock. If I knew exactly, don't you think I would have said?"

"I have found your predilection for dissemblance often interferes with your ability to provide information."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Well, I'm not 'dissembling' now. Jim was in a strange mood. I don't know how else to put it. Not mad...pensive maybe. Hell, this whole situation with the colonists would get to anyone."

They were on their way to drop off the surviving colonists of Omicron Ceti Three at the nearest starbase. Spock had avoided them as best he could. His captain had no such luxury.

The rest of the meal passed in relative silence, McCoy returning to his reading when Spock made it obvious he was in no mood for further conversation.

"Have a pleasant evening, Doctor." His meal finished, Spock stood and quickly walked off, his tray deposited at the counter as he left the room. It was only nineteen hundred hours, but he had several experiments in progress so he headed for the lab.

Four hours later, his work done, he started for his quarters. As he passed Kirk's door, he found his steps slowing. He had with him the finished report Kirk had asked for concerning the colonists. He could drop it off now and avoid having to answer any questions about it in front of McCoy tomorrow at breakfast. Even though he had been under the influence of the spores, Spock still felt a certain amount of embarrassment regarding his behavior on the planet. He pushed the button for admittance.

"Come."

Spock was taken slightly aback at the brusqueness of Kirk's voice, but entered the dimmed room as the door slid open.

"Captain?" He walked toward the desk, assuming the human to be sitting there. Instead, he turned as a noise from the bedroom area drew his attention.

Kirk had been in bed, though apparently not asleep. He was clad only in his trousers and his hair was slightly tousled. "What is it, Mr. Spock?"

"I have the report you asked for, sir. McCoy informed me of your plans, so I calculated the odds in my favor that you would still be up." He reached out to hand the disc to his captain.

"Leave it on the desk." Kirk turned back toward the bed.

Spock froze in consternation. Kirk had never done that before. No matter what, he had always shown only courtesy and respect towards him. After the few moments it took to gather his thoughts, he stepped toward the darkened area. "Captain, is there a problem?"

"Problem, Mr. Spock? Why on Earth should there be a problem?" Kirk's tone was even, but there was an unnatural stillness to him, as if he was holding himself by a tight rein.

"I do not know. You merely seem...distracted."

"I'm fine. Tired, that's all." He stopped for a beat. "Is there anything else?"

Spock swallowed. He suddenly realized how ludicrous it would sound to ask Kirk if he was upset just because he hadn't tried to draw Spock into conversation. "I...no, Captain. Nothing else. I shall see you in the morning, sir." He hesitated a moment before stepping back. But when no other words were spoken, he headed for the door.

The new distance between them bothered him in some undefined way. And once in his own cabin, Spock positioned himself for meditation. He knelt before the small statue, the incense wafting from its belly to fill the room with the scent of Vulcan.

He tried for several minutes to reach the first level of meditation, without success. No matter what he did, his thoughts continued to spiral back to his captain. Kirk was upset. That it had to do with his pronouncement, Spock was positive. Very well. He had lived his life for eleven years without the human's good will. He could do it again.

^^^^^

On the surface, nothing changed. They were still the best command team in the fleet. But off duty they parted company, each going his own way, finding solace as each could. Only McCoy sensed the change in their relationship, but if the good doctor had any idea of what had happened, he kept it to himself. When circumstances demanded they meet outside their shifts, he acted as the glue that held them together.

It was deep into beta shift, late evening as time was reckoned on the ship. Spock had the rec room to himself, as most of the crew were either on duty or in bed. He wasn't really sure why he had taken to spending his time here, playing chess with the ship's computer. His cabin would afford more privacy. Perhaps it was because he had finally learned the difference between being alone and being lonely. And he had finally had enough of privacy.

He had tried without success to get Kirk to see him off-duty. The captain had sidestepped every ploy, had found a counter-argument for every reason Spock could come up with for them to spend time together. Every excuse was logical and spoken without malice, for Kirk was not cruel, only closed, slowly building a wall between them.

Spock moved his rook to the upper level of the board and was waiting for the computer to respond when the object of his thoughts walked in. Kirk's head was down, his attention focused on the report in his hand. Spock watched him move to the processor and get a cup of coffee. As Kirk turned towards the tables and Spock's direction, he finally looked up and noticed his first officer.

"Good evening, Captain." Spock's words halted Kirk's motion. Momentarily surprised, he had faltered to a stop but had then started to turn towards the exit.

"Mr. Spock." Kirk's attitude was formal. Anyone seeing them would hardly have assumed them acquaintances, much less former lovers. Even if that love had only lasted one night.

Spock schooled his features into his usual placid mask as he tried once more to break through Kirk's barriers. "Would you care for a game, sir?"

"No, no thank you. I've got a ton of work waiting for me in my cabin. Another time, perhaps." He nodded his head in a offhand farewell, and left.

In his mind Spock could imagine his hand swinging out and scattering the chess pieces, white and black tumbling across the room. Maybe then the knot of tension that had slowly grown within him would find release. But the discipline of a lifetime held, the slight tremor in his hands the only evidence of the turmoil he felt. Instead, he tried focusing his thoughts on his work, his duty to the ship. Anything to take his mind away from the path it inevitably took.

The dagger he had thrust into Kirk's heart had caused a rift in their relationship as nothing else had ever been able to. Had he said those words out of spite, wanting to hurt Kirk as he had been hurt all those years before? His captain thought so, and had gone about making sure that Spock would never have the chance again.

It had surprised Spock how much he missed the time they had spent together, how much he missed the friendship Kirk had struggled to build between them. He closed his eyes, wondering at his own capacity for self-delusion. He could no more be surprised at missing the air he breathed.

Every day, he felt the link grow weaker as his captain strangled the life from it. Spock wasn't sure if Kirk was aware of what he was doing, or if it affected him in any way. But it affected Spock. The chill of loneliness had grown, as did his panic as each attempt to regain Kirk's regard ended in failure.

He opened his eyes as a modicum of control was restored, enough at least for him to quit the rec room and reach the sanctuary of his cabin.

He undressed and padded barefoot into the bathroom. The shower stall was still damp; Kirk must have only recently departed from their shared facilities. With sudden clarity Spock remembered the human as he exited the shower in the loft they had shared so many years ago. The young body had glistened with moisture, muscles accented as Kirk dried himself off. Spock understood now that Kirk's seduction of him had started from the moment of their meeting. But the human had been blind to what it was he really wanted. He had tried to explain it to Spock, tried to apologize for the hurt it had caused. But Spock had refused to listen.

Stepping into the stall, he turned the water on high and let the steaming liquid pound down on him. He pushed the dispenser and began to spread the lathered soap over his body. But he let his thoughts drift, and suddenly it was other hands on him, the strong, blunt fingers he remembered digging into his flesh. He moaned and leaned over, the long forgotten ache once more taking up residence in his chest. He had been the greatest of fools. The smug satisfaction he had felt since Kirk had taken command of the ship, that _he_ was in command when it came to their relationship, was as ashes. He wanted back the warmth and affection that had emanated from Kirk every time they were together, the sweet desire that still lived in both of them, buried and denied but never extinguished.

He slumped to the floor, holding himself tight as he fought the rising tide of despair. Kirk had wanted him back, Spock had known from that first time he had seen him again after all the long years. But he had let pride stand in the way of recapturing the love they had shared.

Now it was too late. Kirk had reverted to his previous ways, taking up with woman after woman, but never letting anyone near. The only time he had, Edith Keeler had paid the price. That tragic event had only added to the hardness that was slowly encasing Kirk's soul, another tear at the wound Spock had inflicted months earlier. His hurtful stab at Kirk's sincere concern regarding Spock's infection by the spores had never healed. And as much as he might try, he could not undo the damage he had caused.

The timer sounded and the water died down to a trickle. Still he sat there, trying desperately to understand the workings of his own mind. He had wanted to prove to the human that he didn't need him. So he had thrown it all back in Kirk's face, giving only enough to keep Kirk near, but never letting go of the hurt and resentment. He had discovered too late that his pride was not worth the emptiness he now felt.

Spock finally rose, his body and mind numb. Drying off, he methodically prepared himself for bed, routine carrying him through. He headed for the sleeping area and slipped under the covers. The Federation had lost contact with one of its member planets, and the Enterprise was on its way to investigate. If in no other capacity, Kirk would still need him as his first officer and science officer. It was all the human wanted from him anymore.

He closed his eyes, and willed sleep to come. They would make Deneva by morning.

^^^^^

Spock hesitated as the door to sickbay flew open. The ship was quiet now, after the chaos of lost dreams and shattered lives. He finally stepped through into the deserted office. He looked around, noticing all the little things he used to pass by, unaware of their existence. The cube of pictures Nurse Chapel kept at her station, the odd assortment of medical paraphernalia McCoy kept behind his desk. Losing and then regaining one's sight was a life-altering experience.

He headed to the back where the fatalities of Deneva's epidemic were being kept, those whose families wished their return to their home world. He signaled the lock and the door opened to the temporary morgue. He entered and walked to the far corner where Kirk's brother and sister-in-law were being kept.

He uncovered the first body, looking again at the stilled face of George Samuel Kirk. Sam. He remembered the ready smile and the way this man had welcomed him into his home, taking in an awkward, young lieutenant at the behest of his young wife. He seemed at peace. The horror and terror of his final days had left no mark.

He covered him again and turned to the body across the way. Almost reverently he pulled back the sheet, revealing the face of the woman he had come to love as the family he had thought to make her.

"Aurelan. It has been many years." He had been anxious to talk to her, but she had died while he was still on the planet, his own battle still ahead. He smoothed back her hair, the dark luxurious mane that had been his first impression of her. "He made it after all, did he not? Your young brother-in-law? Your Jim, of whom you were so proud? Did you know that I loved him, Aurelan? I am quite sure you did. But do you know that I love him still? That until I destroyed it, he still loved me?"

He hung his head for a moment, holding fast to the bitter tears threatening to fall. "I wish you could tell me, you who seemed to be able to see into people's souls, what to do, how to make him forgive me." He took a shuddering breath. "But I should not speak of this. What is my loss in the face of yours, and of your children's? What shall become of your sons?"

It had been the first thing he had checked after hearing of Aurelan's death. The sweet little boy he had known and loved had grown to a handsome and precocious fifteen-year old. Still eager to follow his uncle, he had registered for, and been accepted into, a special pre-cadet regiment at Starfleet Academy. Perhaps someday he would serve under his uncle. The small bundle that had been Brian Nathaniel, known to him for only a few minutes, was on Earth staying with his grandmother for the summer. Their safety had been the only thing that had lessened the nightmare.

"If I am allowed, I vow that they will never be in want. I pledge all that I am, all that I have, that the promise of those young lives you leave behind will not be lost."

He leaned down and kissed the cold forehead. "I will honor you always, as the sister I never had but should have. Sleep well, Aurelan, and know that you will be remembered."

Straightening, he slowly covered the woman and turned to find Dr. McCoy standing at the doorway.

"Spock, what are you doing here?" The doctor leaned against the door sill, his eyes going from Spock to the body next to him.

"It was a personal matter, Doctor. I will leave now." Spock walked past the doctor, but he turned and stopped in the outer office when he realized that McCoy was following him. "What is it, Doctor?"

"We need to talk." McCoy motioned him into his office.

Spock reluctantly followed and sat in the chair across from him. He waited silently, knowing that nothing would deter McCoy once he set his mind to something.

"It's about Jim," McCoy finally said.

"What about him?"

"You tell me." The doctor leaned forward, his gaze intense.

"There is nothing to tell. The captain is grieving for his brother and sister-in-law. It is to be expected-"

"Don't give me that. Whatever's eating at Jim started months ago, right after our run-in with the blonde cutie from your past," McCoy said derisively.

"Doctor, I do not believe that what has transpired in my past is any of your business."

"To hell it isn't! Anything that interferes with the running of this ship, or the well-being of the captain is my business. You listen to me, Spock. I don't know what happened between you and Jim, but if it isn't settled soon this ship's going to be looking for a new captain."

"You cannot take command away from him." Spock threw an accusing look at the doctor. "There is nothing wrong with the captain."

McCoy sighed and shook his head. "Yes, there is. Whatever's gone wrong between you two has affected him deeply. Everything else that's happened...that's just been icing on the cake."

"I believe you are in error. The captain holds no such regard for me."

"Doesn't he? I would have bet anything that nothing could destroy your friendship. Obviously, I was wrong. And obviously, you're quite content to keep it that way."

Spock looked down, unable to meet McCoy's eyes. "Sometimes, no matter how we may wish it otherwise, some things cannot be undone."

"That's where you're wrong. Whatever you've done, he'll forgive you. Dear lord, man, hasn't he proven that time and time again?"

"Perhaps at one time that was true, but no longer." Spock looked up, "I cannot help him."

"Can't, or won't?"

"Do you not understand? I have tried. Several times. He will not listen to me. He does not wish to see me."

"Well try again. You're his friend, aren't you?"

"McCoy—"

"Spock, damn it, listen to me. If you feel anything for that man, go to him, now. Or are you so full of pride that you'd let him be destroyed just so you can keep hold of your precious Vulcan logic?"

"'Logic' has nothing to do with our situation."

The doctor shook his head in disgust. "Neither does emotion, apparently. How the hell that man could ever have thought of you as a friend is beyond me. You're the most cold-hearted person it's been my misfortune to know."

He had had enough. Standing, he towered over the angry human. "You know nothing of what I would or would not do for the captain, or in what regard I hold him. And I would appreciate your desisting from interfering in things you do not understand." With that he turned and quickly exited sickbay.

But walking back to his cabin, it occurred to him that perhaps he had been wrong about his and Kirk's relationship. McCoy seemed so sure that Kirk still held Spock in some regard. For all his emotionalism, the doctor was an astute observer of humankind, the captain in particular.

Could there be a future between them? Was there hope that he had not lost the one person he treasured above all else? Spock wanted this, wanted Kirk with an intensity that had never faltered. He had hid from it, denied it, but had never been able to crush the feelings that had been born during that fateful interlude.

He did not know how Kirk would react to him, but for everything they had been to each other, for everything they still could be, he would make one last desperate attempt.

^^^^^

His trip to deck five and his captain's quarters was inordinately short. He didn't know what he would do if this final attempt failed, if he was forced to leave the one person who had ever made him feel whole. He fought down his panic, and when he got to Kirk's door he entered as soon as it slid open.

"Captain." Spock walked up to the desk where Kirk sat, the human's attention still taken by the report lighting his terminal.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Spock?" Kirk didn't even look up.

Spock pulled the extra chair from the corner over to the desk and sat down. It took several moments before Kirk noticed that his science officer was waiting for him. He finally pulled his gaze away from the report and, eyes narrowing, gave Spock his full attention.

"I..." Spock bit his lower lip, "I wish to apologize."

Kirk leaned back but his gaze never wavered. "What is it you feel you need to apologize for?"

"I have allowed the past to disrupt our present relationship, to...hurt you."

"I see. Very well, Mr. Spock. Apology accepted. Now, if there is nothing else..."

"Jim, please, I deeply regret my past behavior. Is there nothing I can do to regain your...regard for me?"

Kirk stared at him a moment before answering. "What would be the point? You've made it perfectly clear how you feel, what that particular episode in our lives meant to you."

"No, I have not. I lied that day on the bridge. I wished to make you feel what I felt when you turned from me. I did not realize how much I wished to hurt you until that moment." Spock was almost trembling with fear. He was saying all the wrong things and he knew he was losing Kirk. "But I do not want to hurt you any longer. I would do anything if I could take back the words I so callously said to you."

The human grimaced. "It's over and done with. Don't worry about it."

"I do not wish it to be over." Spock whispered the tense words.

"I don't know what to tell you then."

"Tell me that you also do not wish it to be over. Tell me that you forgive me my mistreatment of you, and that you wish to return to what we once had."

"I don't think I can do that, Spock." Kirk rose from his chair, coming around the desk to sit on its edge in from of him. "I'm sorry."

Spock sat rigidly still, unable to make his body obey his commands. He knew he should leave now, excuse himself to his cabin where he could try to rebuild what was left of his life. But he couldn't, not knowing that once he left their relationship would truly be over. He reached out and touched Kirk's arm. "Can you tell me why? Is it that you no longer wish me at your side? Or is it that you cannot forgive me?"

Kirk didn't answer right away, drawing a deep breath before speaking, "It's not that. I've thought about what I'd do if you decided to leave. There were a few times when I thought you might. Maybe I'm just being selfish, not wanting to lose an outstanding officer..."

Spock started, the pain of that pronouncement almost unbearable. "Is that what I am to you? _All_ that I am?"

"No, but it's too late for us, Spock. There have been too many things that have gotten between us—"

"Only if you allow them to." He leaned forward, grabbing Kirk's forearms. "I was wrong to act the way I did, to carry such resentment over something said and done in ignorance. You could not have known what your words spoke of, the definition I gave those words so many years ago. Or what I believed you to be offering me that night."

"It's no good, can't you see that?" Kirk started to pull away, but was held tight by Vulcan strength. "Let go of me."

"No, you must listen to me. You must understand what it is you are attempting to destroy..."

Kirk was struggling in earnest now. "Damn it, I said let go!"

He was past caring about Vulcan logic, about the fact that he was using physical force to hold onto what was his. "Jim, it has always been there, between us. Even Aurelan saw—"

Rage flared in the hazel eyes, and Kirk suddenly reversed himself, pushing back at Spock instead of pulling away. "Don't you mention her, you son of a bitch! Don't you use my family to—"

Spock didn't hear the rest. The unexpected attack caused him to let go of Kirk and fall back against his chair, upsetting his seat. He let go of Kirk and flailed back. The look of surprise on Kirk's face was the last thing he saw before he felt his head hit the cabin deck.

^^^^^

The cold compress on the back of his head was soothing, but not as soothing as the feel of Kirk's arm around him and the human's bent knee propped up behind him as he sat partially slumped against his captain's chest. It was with great difficulty that he pulled himself away and tried to stand. He was prevented by Kirk's tightening embrace.

"You're not going anywhere. I was about to call McCoy, it took you so long to come around."

"I am all right. There is no lasting damage." Spock sat up straight, bringing his back away from the contact.

Kirk brought his other leg over, trapping Spock. "Don't go."

"I do not understand. I thought you—"

"Didn't want you anymore?" Kirk shook his head. "I tried not to. I think I almost had myself convinced. But when I saw you on the floor right now, so still-" Kirk faltered. "Everything just came into focus. You'd think almost losing you to blindness would have been enough. I guess I've been carrying around my own load of anger. But I could lose you so easily. Suddenly, it didn't make any sense for me to drive you away, not when I've wanted you for so long." Kirk's head slowly moved forward, until their mouths were inches apart. "But I need to hear you say it."

Spock's vision was locked on the lips so close to his. "What is it you wish to hear?"

"That you want everything that I do, that you feel the same way."

"I want everything that it is possible for us to have. I love you, James Kirk." And closing the gap between them, Spock pressed his lips against the human's, a gentle kiss that swiftly became more.

Spock remembered, remembered it all. The body pressed against his, as they somehow made it off the floor and onto the waiting bed, the receptive mind waiting for him in sweet promise. He had thought these feelings long lost, destroyed by his hurt and anger. But they were all there, ready to be created anew.

Spock hands trembled as he attempted to remove Kirk's shirt, eager to once again experience the feel of his lover's cool flesh.

"Do you want some help?" Kirk teased, his eyes alight as he watched Spock's every move.

Spock shook his head. He needed to do this, whether in atonement or simply for the pleasure of it. With an act reminiscent of the past, he wished to once again give of himself, for Kirk to lie back and accept the gift of his love. "I wish to do this for you. Will you allow it?"

A nod from his lover was all the encouragement he needed. He stood and moved to the foot of the bed, resting one knee on its surface as he removed Kirk's boots and pants. When he placed his hands on the waistband of the human's briefs, Kirk grinned and lifted his hips to facilitate their removal.

With Kirk divested of his clothing, his own rapidly followed, thrown aside in his haste to return to the welcoming haven. Yet once done, Spock stood for a moment, his gaze roaming over the beloved form. "You are as beautiful as I remember."

"Come here." Kirk put out his hand.

Spock crawled onto the bed and knelt between the outspread legs. Lightly caressing, he ran his hands down Kirk's chest as he strove to memorize this regained treasure. He continued moving them down, stroking the curves of Kirk's hips and thighs. Through it all he was watched with gentle amusement, until with a slight tug he was pulled forward to lie on top of the waiting human.

"I'd begun to think I'd never get you back," Kirk whispered, his hands beginning their own exploration of Spock's body. "I've dreamt of this, so many times."

"I was a fool to pretend I no longer desired you," Spock replied between tender kisses placed on Kirk's neck and shoulders. "You are all I have ever wanted. I have been incomplete without you."

"This time, we'll do it right. No more misunderstandings. I want you in my bed, in my life, from here on in."

Spock pulled slightly back and looked down into the golden eyes that had haunted him through the years. "We will have forever, t'hy'la."

Kirk smiled and with a suggestive nudge began the rhythm between them, the slow slide of cock against cock. He grabbed Spock and pulled him down again in a desperate kiss, breaking away only long enough to gasp in more air before returning to the ravishment of the heated mouth, his hands convulsively clenching in Spock's hair.

They writhed against each other as Kirk's arms wrapped around his waist and pulled Spock hard against him. "Yes, like that. Oh, god, Spock, you feel so good."

The press of Kirk's body against his, the fire building as they rocked together was an ecstasy he had thought never to reclaim. He pistoned his hips harder against Kirk's groin, urged on by the human's hands dropping down to settle on his ass, Kirk's fingers digging into his flesh.

The years tumbled away, and it was as it had been between them. Their bodies moved in synch and their minds rushed toward each other, bridging the gap that had left them separate and alone.

Spock knew he could not last long, no power in the universe could hold him back from this man. With a muffled moan he came hard and long, as if the chained yearnings of the lonely years were all unleashed in that one spasm of fulfillment. He threw his head back, crying out his release, "Jim, oh, Jim."

"Yes, love, yes." Kirk arched up, releasing his own seed between their pressed bodies, adding to the hot semen already pooling there. His hands, clasped tightly onto Spock, slowly let go after a last shudder.

Spock heard a breathless "I love you" as he moved off the human and settled himself against Kirk's side, resting his head on the smooth chest. He smiled and looked up to see his happiness reflected back. He brought his hand up and placed two fingers against Kirk's temple. Their thoughts floated from one to the other, the physical contact between them bringing the starved link to life. "It is still there, after all these years. I have often marveled at its tenacity."

Kirk looked down for a moment, his manner suddenly pensive. "When I first came on board, I was afraid to mention it. Afraid you'd try and take it away."

"You were aware of its continued existence?"

"Yes. I think in my own way I even helped it along. It was the only thing I had left of you. Later, when we talked about it and you didn't try and remove it, it gave me hope that there was still a chance for us." Kirk looked up and smiled. "And in spite of everything we put each other through, it hung on."

"And I will be forever grateful for that." Spock splayed his hand over the human's taut belly, and then suddenly sat up and started to rise from the bed.

"Where you going?" Kirk questioned lazily, his surety in Spock's return obvious in his relaxed manner.

"To retrieve something to clean us." Spock glanced down at Kirk's stomach and then to his own.

"Good idea." Kirk stretched and then reached over to pull up the covers shoved to the bottom of the bed. He lay back down, and watched with a delightful grin when Spock returned and proceeded to gently remove the signs of their lovemaking.

Tossing the towel onto the headboard, Spock crawled under the covers with his lover, returning to his place against Kirk's side.

"Feel better?" Kirk asked as his fingers gently carded through the dark strands of Spock's hair.

"I have not felt this way since last we were together," Spock softly answered.

"Oh, Spock, I was so damn stupid. It was as plain as day to everyone else, how the hell did I miss the signs? Aurelan saw it almost from the beginning."

Spock hesitated a moment before responding. "You would wish to speak of her?"

"To you? Of course I would. I was being an ass, earlier. I know you loved them, too."

"I grieve with thee." Spock turned his face into Kirk's chest, fighting the rising sorrow. He realized that much of his grief was in losing a second time the family he had once thought of as his own.

"Thank you. It makes it easier to bear, having someone else around who remembers them the way I do." He was silent for a moment. "The last time I saw them was right before our search for Dr. Korby. They saw me off."

"The pictures." Spock remembered the images of a charmed family that had stared out at him.

Kirk nodded. "When she found out you were my first officer, she was ecstatic—until I told her how you were, how things stood between us. Do you know she cried? She only stopped after I promised that I would get through to you, somehow."

"And was she certain you would succeed?"

"Oh, yeah. Aurelan always had a lot of faith in me, and she wasn't a bit surprised when I told her I had been in love with you."

Spock brought his head up in surprise. "You told her this?"

Kirk nodded. "I didn't really have to, though. Like I said, she saw it all. She was ready to kill me when they came down that day and found you gone. I didn't tell her everything that happened, but I think she must have guessed. Actually, both of them did a really good job of raking me over the coals. Then when I went to your hotel room..."

"Do not think of it. I do not wish to relive that time." Spock pulled his lover tightly against him.

"We're together now. That's all that matters." Kirk yawned. He kissed the top of Spock's head, and then tilted Spock's face up to place another on his lips. "I think it's time for some sleep, don't you?"

Spock nodded and positioned his head back on Kirk's chest. The kiss had been chaste and cool, but Spock could feel the love and contentment between them, the promise of all the days to come.

He slowly trailed his hand up and down the broad chest, enjoying the tactile sensation. Kirk had always delighted his senses, from that first day. The sight of the beautiful young man had drawn a sigh of wonder from him, his hands instinctively wanting to touch. And that had been before, before he had even known what it was to touch the soft skin, to join with his t'hy'la's sweet body in sexual congress.

He stilled his caresses as his lover drifted off to sleep, holding the man in his arms with a sense of detached wonder. After the long years, his t'hy'la was once more his. Together, they had reawakened feelings buried years ago, brutally strangled by the callousness of youth and his own ignorance in dealing with the vagaries of love.

Now the link between them would grow as it was meant to. Whatever the future held in store for them, they would meet it together. They would be one.

Finis


End file.
